“I said no!”
I heard these words echo out of our playroom and walked in to see what was going on. A not so uncommon exchange of one sibling poking another.
“Hey guys, what have we said about listening to other people when they don’t like how they’re being treated. If someone says ‘no’ or ‘stop’ we need to listen.“ They settle down and go back to playing. Knowing this may not be the end, I sit in the room for a bit to casually observe them.
This is a very common sort of situation that any family will experience, even within those where body safety is taught and promoted by the adults. The end goal is that it is addressed and that body safety concepts are reinforced. Just like any life lesson that we teach our children, whether it’s washing hands before we eat, picking up after ourselves, or saying ‘please’ and ‘thank you’, the concepts of body safety and bodily autonomy are not only taught in words, but with actions and repetition. It is unlikely that any child will fully understand the importance and value of body safety rules, which is why, when those rules are inevitably broken, we take the opportunity to use it as an educational tool – for children and adults.
There are five key body safety rules that we recommend all children know by age five, and we want to take this opportunity to address how these rules have been known to be broken and how to address these situations.
1. You are the Boss of Your Body
Children should know that they do not have to tolerate or allow unwanted touches: hugs, kisses, tickles, etc. This is a concept that young kids are often most concerned about their own bodies, but likely least concerned regarding others. Having multiple kids within the home, playdates, family gatherings, preschool and daycare centers are situations where bodily autonomy is likely to come up often, which means we, as the adults, have the opportunity to teach kids and model appropriate behavior with other adults again and again.
As kids get older they may even use bodily autonomy knowledge as a means of aggravating or even expressing anger at another child. Prepubescent children may deliberately poke or hurt someone’s genitals, buttocks, or breasts because they think it’s funny or they know it will be that much more upsetting to the other child. Pubescent children may taunt each other as their bodies mature, especially as girls develop breasts. This could be a situation of inter-sibling annoyances, bullying, sexual harassment, hazing or a component of an abusive situation between children. With as much as 40% of child sexual abuse estimated to be perpetrated by other juveniles, it is essential that such behavior be addressed with correction of behavior and not simply brushed off as something children need to tolerate.
Respecting others with our words and actions is essential to being a good person, and children learn this first and foremost by how the adults in their lives treat them, even when we’re correcting their behavior. Being respectful in how we talk to them sets a standard that there is never an excuse to be disrespectful or inappropriate towards others.
- If young children are being goofy and crossing the boundary into inappropriate behavior (eg. tickling someone without their permission, playing games involving butts etc) they may need redirection or a change of scenery to refocus their attention. Talking to them when they (and we) are calm about what is appropriate behavior is often more effective than trying to communicate in the moment.
- If a young child purposely hurts another child or does something involving private parts to embarrass another child (eg. kicking them in the crotch or pulling down their pants), it is likely that the offending child is experiencing some emotional distress. Responding with anger is likely only to intensify the child’s negative feelings and increase disconnection. Addressing with a calm and concerned manner – what the child’s feelings first – why they’re upset, what lead them to making that choice of behavior and then, what would be a better, most respectful way to handle their feelings, will help the child feel valued and consequently more interested in listening.
It is, no doubt, one of the most challenging aspects of parenting: to effectively and lovingly correct inappropriate behaviors in children; we will fall short of our parenting goals from time to time, and if we need to apologize for our behavior, what a great lesson we are teaching our children – that adults are not perfect and we make mistakes, too.
if we need to apologize for our behavior, what a great lesson we are teaching our children – that adults are not perfect and we make mistakes, too.
Pre-pubescent and adolescent children should a firmer grasp on what isn’t appropriate
although they may still not fully empathize with the impact of their behaviors on another person. They are also more capable of growing in knowledge of what constitutes sexual harassment, assault, child pornography, and the legal implications of such behaviors. Parents that feel their child may be struggling with problematic sexual behaviors can help them by seeking professional help. Knowing that having experienced sexual abuse may cause sexual acting out against others, and/or exposure to pornography has been linked to sexual behavior issues with children, it is important to be vigilant for signs of abuse and be educated and open about the issues of pornography’s effect on our youth.
Just as parents, schools, coaches etc. should be vigilant for such behavior, and youth serving organizations should have comprehensive training and protocol for reducing opportunity, educating staff, educating students, reporting and disciplining. Sexual harassment is certainly an issue in middle/high schools which makes it no surprise to us, how it continues to be prevalent college campuses, what we’re not addressing during adolescence is only intensifying when young adults live the ‘college experience.’
Children, naturally sense the authority of adults and do not always feel capable or confident enough to stand up for themselves.
When the person violating the bodily autonomy of a child is another adult, like a grandparent who is eager for a hug and a kiss or an aunt/uncle who is casually ignoring the discomfort of a child being tickled or having their hair stroked, it is equally, if not more important that we speak up. Children, naturally sense the authority of adults and do not always feel capable or confident enough to stand up for themselves. Reinforcing bodily autonomy with those closest to us and emphasizing the importance of allowing a child to be affectionate and touched appropriately when they feel comfortable, helps to continue building a culture of consent and respect for children.
In talking to a number of adults who seek advice on this very issue of adults not respecting their child’s bodily autonomy, we know it can be a challenge. Older generations are not accustomed to the idea of children having control of their bodies and feel it is a sign of respect to expect a hug or kiss. They may find it rude or ridiculous that parents teach children they have a choice and suggest that somehow teaching children bodily autonomy is the reason for the decline of respectful behavior in children these days. Changing the way people think is not always easy. Children can absolutely show respect to their family and elders by waving hello, shaking a hand, giving a high-five or a fist bump. There is no evidence that forcing children to hug or be kissed instills sense of respect, rather it has affected many survivors of sexual abuse into believing they did not have the right to say no when their own grandparent or parent sexually assaulted them. If people were to ask us, which was more important – the feelings of elders or the safety of children, we’re going to choose the child, every time.
2. Using Proper Names for Private Parts
When young children are raised to know the correct anatomical words for their genitals, there may be little to no opportunity for this rule to be broken. However, as they get older and go to school or have friends over, they may hear and learn nicknames. When we hear kids use these words, it’s a good idea to ask where they learned them. Some predators may attempt to make sharing private parts ‘fun’ by using pet names, however it is still very common that children are not being taught the proper names at home, determining the source can help identify the situation.
Reinforcing that private parts are special (in our home we talk about how they are a very sensitive part of our body and that they’re used in the process of making a baby which makes them extra special and private) and that it’s important to refer to them in a way that is also respectful and correct. Sharing educational resources, like our website, free downloads, or printed educational tools with families that don’t promote the use of proper names can certainly help them better protect and empower their children, if they’re open to learning.
3. Private Parts are Not for Sharing
Developmentally, it is normally expected that toddlers and young children will not be very concerned about privacy, however we can and should used everyday opportunities to teach and reinforce situations where people should have privacy. When our toddler is running around in their ‘birthday suit’ after a bath or a diaper change, that may be totally OK, but when it’s time to get dressed we can say ‘time to cover up those private parts’ or ‘it’s OK for you to run around now, but if someone knocks on the door, we need to get your clothes on because we want to keep your privates private.”
As a parent to young children, I am still accustomed to having minimal privacy in the bathroom and changing clothes, but I also let my children know that when they get older, I will want privacy and that we should always give privacy to others using the bathroom – like an older sibling, grandparent, a friend etc. We also promote privacy when our children are learning to use the toilet by closing the door so they have privacy even if it’s just family in the house.
Young children may also be curious about their own and other people’s bodies. Children may innocently share their privates with each other, or pull down their underwear to be funny, etc. These are opportunities to continue to reinforce proper behavior, “we keep our privates private” is a common phrase in our home. If children are curious about the human body, a book is always a great resource to address curiosity. Increased observation is important at this age, and when children are within the home, an open door policy is a good idea so that situations involving children are easily interrupted and opportunities for inappropriate behaviors are minimized. (We talk more on reducing opportunity here.)
If you’re curious what is considered normal for children, Stop it Now® offers an age-by-age guide.
Reinforcing these concepts with young children is so important, because it’s their innocence that abusers (often family and those closest to the child) use to perpetrate sexual assault and exploitation. Children should know as well, that it’s not appropriate for people to take pictures of them when they don’t have clothes on, or when they are in the bathtub. As parents, it’s natural that we want to capture these years when they’re so little and cute, but we need to remember to respect their privacy and to be an example of that, especially when and what pictures we post on social media of our children. We may choose to live a public life with our friends, family, and followers, but that does not mean our children will appreciate their images also being public and showing personal moments of their life.
As an advocate who has reported images of child sexual abuse on social media, I strongly urge parents to not normalize with children the act of taking their picture while they’re in a diaper, underwear, or nude. I would also stress that no one should be allowed to bathe your child unless they are a direct caregiver, and if anyone other than yourself bathes your child, to have a ‘check in’ with your child that privates were not shared, touched, or photographed. Bath-time is an opportunity that predators use to perpetrate against children without them knowing it’s wrong. This may be difficult to communicate with young children, which is why I will stress again that safety must be prioritized, that anyone we trust to care for our children knows and supports body safety, and that we’ve clearly communicated photos of our children only be taken in approved, appropriate situations based on what you feel most comfortable with.
Older children (about age 8+) should definitely know that sharing privates is not acceptable behavior. The biggest concern for adolescents is that exploitation and exposure to negative influences by peers and online is very common, with children often ‘sexting’ – sending and receiving nude photos with peers, or being tricked or blackmailed by online predators into sending nude photos.
The biggest concern for adolescents is that exploitation and exposure to negative influences by peers and online is very common
Children may think they’re communicating with someone their age who isn’t, they may be tricked by someone their own age and then have their photo shared to embarrass them, or threatened with harm or other negative consequences if they don’t send a photo. Giving children access to social media automatically enables them to receive messages from strangers, even if we monitor who they’re connected to, most apps allow non-contact messages to be received in a separate folder. Not only does it allow messaging from strangers, but there are no parental settings for social media apps. Being a ‘friend’ to your child’s account doesn’t mean that they cannot limit what you can view on their profile. Even though the age limits for social media are set for age 13+ and it is against the rules for pornography, nudity, violence, harassment etc to be posted – it doesn’t stop people from posting such images, it merely allows such content to be reported and then deleted.
Which means, yes, there is pornography, violence, harassment, and a number of scams that circulate social media platforms and no, there isn’t much we can do to avoid our children from seeing it, aside from not allowing them on social media. There are a myriad of negative influences on the development of children at this age due to social media: self harm, eating disorders, bullying, harassment, the cancel-culture, etc. but some positives: being able to participate in social movements, raise awareness and fundraise, express themselves and connect with others. This is one of great debates of parenting children in adolescence: do we or do we not allow children access to social media? Before any parent makes such a decision, we advise investing the time into understand the nature of the influences of social media on youth, the dynamics of each app platform, options for parental controls, and considering the maturity and interest of your child in using social media and how you will be using social media with your child. And of course, keep an open discourse with your children over what they’re viewing and limit screen time, especially at night when they should be sleeping.
When children view pornography, send a nude photo to someone, or participate in harassing or exploitative behavior of others, how do we imagine we’d feel? Shock, anger, disappointment? How will we bring it up with our child and what will the consequences be in response? Mentally preparing for such situations, researching what children at this age experience and feel about such interactions can help guide us in making the most effective and supportive response and decision for our child. Assuming it will never be an issue for our family may only make it that much harder for us to do what is best for our children. Being aware of what our adolescents are facing and discussing these issues with them with respect for their growing sense of self and independence, we can strive to keep our values and concerns for the safety of our children and others known and heard. Conversely, youth at this age can serve as protectors for their peers, speaking up and reporting abusive behavior they witness rather than falling into the ‘bystander’ category that we are working to end in situation that involve people of all ages and situation.
4. No Secrets
Secret doors, keys, gardens – there are a number of fun stories for children about things that are secret. This body safety rule is especially important because, as we know, most abuse is not disclosed right away. Survivors of childhood sexual abuse often wait years before telling someone about their experience. It is invaluable to instill an understanding that our children should not be expected to keep secrets from us; that we are ready to believe and support them no matter what they need to tell us.
We do not like to use the term ‘good secrets’ because abusers are known to groom children for abuse by asking them to keep ‘good’ or happy secrets.
In some instances we’ve seen teaching on this issue referred to as ‘good secrets and bad secrets’. We do not like to use the term ‘good secrets’ because abusers are known to groom children for abuse by asking them to keep ‘good’ or happy secrets. They are not only building a bond with the child, they’re also testing the target and the protective adults in their life – will the child keep the secret? If they tell a parent or caregiver – will the adult say or do anything about it? Which is why it’s important that we not only educate our children about not keeping secrets, but that we also promote with the adults that we trust around our children that secrets are not allowed.
Surprises are different, because a surprise is something that will eventually be shared: a birthday party, a special gift, etc. Using this terminology instead of ‘good secret’ makes it much clearer, in our opinion, for children to understand the difference and help them identify when they need to disclose something.
Now, children may ask each other to keep secrets and not tell, or an adult may innocently ask a child to keep a secret. A few years back, I remember my child’s aunt was once helping her learn to knit, my child made a mistake and I overheard my sister-in-law telling her that she wouldn’t tell me about the error, that it would be their secret. Now, this was this such a silly situation to keep secret, but it was the perfect opportunity to remind my daughter, and educate my family member that we don’t keep secrets and that it’s normal and expected to make mistakes in life, that my children don’t need to hide things from me.
Our relationship with our children is a powerful tool for protection and empowerment. When our children feel safe talking to us, we can more effectively work to keep them safe. Of course there are no guarantees, but that can’t stop us from doing everything we can to reduce risk of abuse and help raise our children to be assured of our love and resilient in the face of adversity.
5. The Body Safety Circle™
The final basic body safety rule that we recommend for children young and old, is that they know 3-5 adults that they can talk to about body safety. At least one of these people should be a non-family member (perhaps a babysitter, teacher, coach, parent of a friend), and they should all be in frequent contact with your child. Choosing a pediatrician may seem sensible, but if a child only sees them once per year, they are not likely to easily be able to reach out if they need to talk. As parents, we want to believe that our children will come to us when they need help, but the reality is – we just don’t know if we’ll be available at the moment they’re ready, or if they’ll be comfortable to talk to us first.
Not only do we want adults that our children can talk to, we also want to surround our children with adults that know and support body safety. By creating a ‘circle of safety’ around our children by educating other adults, we’re increasing the ability for others to identify inappropriate situations and intervene or respond. Schools, daycares, youth groups, sports teams, etc. are all situations where inappropriate behaviors may occur between children or by an adult and we may not be present to observe them.
For example, a parent reached out that her child was at a birthday party where another boy was running around asking children if they wanted to see his penis. When her child told her what was happening, she brought it up to another parent who brushed it off as nothing to be concerned about. While this child’s behavior wasn’t abusive, it was inappropriate, and it could increase his own risk for abuse if he came in contact with an unsafe person. When we can’t be present with our children, we need to know that the adults that are around are prioritizing safety. There are so many stories in the news where children or adults behaved inappropriately and the adults that witnessed the behavior did not take action. While many youth organizations mandate training to identify abuse in children, it is not as widely mandated that staff and volunteers are trained to reduce risk and promote safe and responsible situations and behaviors.
Body Safety ‘Check-Ins’
Telling children that they need to talk to us if anyone breaks a body safety rule is a good idea, but again, it’s not a guarantee they will. As a parent, any time my children spend time alone with others I will ‘check in’ at a quiet time later that day to see that they felt safe, people treated each other with respect, and I will specifically ask if any body safety rules were broken. In more than one instance, this led to a conversation about inappropriate behavior or something that happened that I needed to know about.
Whether your child is a baby or toddler, going to elementary school, or a teen, there are ways we can protect and empower our children to know how important personal safety is – for themselves and others and work to raise children that are connected, respectful, empathetic, and live with a strong moral compass. Stay vigilant and stay vocal!
Author: Adrianne Simeone
