Abusers are rarely strangers, and not always men – they can be family, women, and other children
Through media and, perhaps, our own desire to feel safe within our trusted circles, we come to think of sexual predators as monsters – people we would never respect, like, or even love. But if that were the case, children wouldn’t be such great risk as they are and abusers would not be as effective at targeting children in loving, protective families. It may seem inexplicable as to why seemingly normal people would choose to sexually abuse anyone, let alone a child, but with better understanding as to the psychological issues that motivate abuse, we can retrain our brains to be more aware and protective of children.
Understanding Abuser Behavior
Not all sexual abusers are pedophiles
A pedophile is sexually attracted to the physical form of a prepubescent child. But not all sexual abusers are pedophiles. This fact is particularly confusing to people. They think, “If the abusers are not sexually attracted to children, then why would they want to engage in sexual contact?” Many abusers are not necessarily drawn to the child’s physical attributes, but are seeking a sexual relationship that they can control. A child is easier to manipulate, control, and keep silent, compared to an adult.
Predatory offenders premeditate the abuse
Many predatory abusers premeditate abuse, fantasize about sexual interaction with children, often view child pornography, and select their victims carefully, investing effort and time to groom them into submission. Predatory offenders usually seek out opportunities to abuse – ex. teaching, coaching, even romantic relationships with women who have children, while opportunistic offenders may choose these professions/relationships and later find themselves temped by their situation – being in a position of trust and/or authority involving children.
Opportunist offenders take advantage of a situation
Opportunistic offenders see an opportunity to abuse a child and take it – this may be true especially in cases involving immediate or extended family members or children that are well-known to them. Opportunistic offenders may still invest time/effort to groom and molest a child, or they may use physical force to subdue the child. Similar to predatory offenders, opportunistic offenders do not always groom their victims and may act impulsively.
Situational Abusers – the FBI has identified 4 Typologies of situational offenders, which perpetrate abuse for reasons other than specific sexual attraction to children.
Blog Post: Situational Abusers
Abusers groom in public
People think that grooming a child for sexual abuse is something done in isolation – quite the contrary. Why? By establishing a close relationship with a child in front of others, people are less likely to be suspicious (after all, many believe sexual predators would not be so bold), and secondly, if the adults aren’t suspicious, it creates a false sense of security with the child that they are safe with this person and what they do is acceptable.
All abusers rely on opportunity
In the vast majority of cases, abusers seek or take advantage of being in a position of trust in a 1:1 situation with a child. For example, a bedroom, a bathroom, a car, or simply a place out of view of other people. They either happen upon an opportunity or they find a way to be alone with your child. They may offer to babysit, tutor, give them a ride home, take them out of the house, a coach running a practice, a youth leader on a retreat, a camp counselor or other peer, a boyfriend or girlfriend alone or at a party. And most unfortunately, they can even be your spouse or part of your immediate/extended family. They may be living or coming into your own home when you’re there or not. It may be a neighbor looking for help – raking leaves, moving boxes etc. An older/larger peer, that may or may not be a friend of your child that invites him to play video games or check out a new pet.
Why People Sexually Abuse Children
We may never have the exact answer what specifically drives offenders, and no two predators think and act alike. While pedophiles are specifically driven by sexual-attraction to children, non-pedophilic perpetrators may be motivated by:
- A sense of excitement and satisfaction in grooming and manipulating not only the child they’re abusing, but even in deceiving the parents and community at large. Some may even qualify as sociopaths.
- Low self-esteem, stress, or unmet emotional needs for intimacy & affection and use sexual gratification with a child as a means of coping with it. They may acknowledge that their behavior is wrong, and may even stop if the child resists, but if the abuse continues they may rationalize their behavior and minimize the abusive nature of their actions.
- An unchecked sense of entitlement – that they are above others and have a “right” to do what they want without reproach and seek to dominate others.
- Sexual deviancy – a desire to explore a variety of sexual experiences and may exhibit an addiction to sex and pornography.
- Social isolation- some offenders are considered eccentric, awkward loners, that don’t socialize well with others and may exhibit what many would consider abnormal behavior. Such offenders may choose to sexually abuse children because they are less-threatening than their peers.
How Abusers Choose Their Victims
Abusers often choose children that they can prey upon without fear of disclosure which often means:
they have access to and are trusted alone with the child
the child/family is uneducated in body safety
the child trusts and may love them
they hold power/authority over the child
the child is seeking loving attention/affection
they can communicate secretly with the child (text/social media)
Red Flags of Grooming Behavior
- Giving the child extra attention and build a friendship with the child. They may them feel special and loved to have an adult friend that encourages and flatters them. Possibly make the child believe they love them in a romantic way.
- Tickling, wrestling, hugging, kissing, holding, and touching a child, even if they do not want to. People often think this is the person being friendly, and don’t realize the potential for abuse.
- “Accidentally” touching a child’s private parts to see how they react.
- Lacking respect for privacy – walk in on them while they’re using the bathroom or dressing. Another “accident” or an attempt to create an environment where it’s “OK” to be naked or exposed in each other’s company.
- Making inappropriate/sexual comments or jokes to the child or even to others, regarding the child.
- Giving gifts for no apparent reason, allow the child special privileges or treatment.
- Spending more time with children than adults, so much that it seems odd to other adults.
- Testing the child’s reaction to affection/touching – putting an arm on the shoulder, a back rub, a long hug that leads to further testing – a kiss on the lips, a hand on the knee.
Four stages of abuse
Predators that are interested in a continuously abusive relationship with a child often follow a similar pattern in behavior in order to groom the child into submission and secrecy. The better we all understand how this manipulations works, the better we can detect abuse, respond to concerns or disclosers, and support survivors without shaming or minimizing the impact of such manipulation and trauma.
Gain Access
If an abuser does not already have access to a child (like most family offenders do), they will often target children that are uneducated about sexual abuse, shy, insecure, or children considered ‘troubled’. They want access, trust, and ability to control. Children with a single parent, busy or inattentive parents. They will analyze the parent/child bond as well as an opportunity to spend time alone with the child. For example, a grandparent babysitting or taking a child on trips, transporting a child between activities, coaching a child, or including a child for play dates or sleepovers with children in the offender’s home.
Capitalize Upon Trust & Authority
The last thing abusers want is to be suspected or questioned. They are often friendly, helpful, or feign a romantic interest with a parent or caregiver to gain access. They often gain or already have the trust of the child through the relationship established with other adults the child trust. They then capitalize upon a seemingly caring relationship with a child, give the child attention, affection, and gifts or special favors/treatment to make the child feel comfortable and invested in the relationship. If the abuser is a family member, trusted friend, or authority figure – they may already have the child’s trust and therefore don’t need to build upon a relationship. The child may rely upon the abuser and may feel powerless to question their behavior or that they will face negative consequences for disclosing abuse.
Break Down Boundaries
Abusers can spend weeks or months planning before sexually abusing their victims. They often ‘test’ personal boundaries over time to gauge the child’s response as well as the parents – if the child told, did the parents express concern or believe the child? Especially when children are not educated in how their bodies work and what sexual abuse is – it is easier for an offender to portray sexual interaction as normal or a learning experience. When parents say things like “if someone hurts you, tell me” it can confuse a child who doesn’t find sexual abuse painful, but pleasurable. This may compound feelings of embarrassment and disconnection with those that would protect them.
Maintain Control & Secrecy
Many offenders seek abusive relationships that will last for an extended period of time. They will exercise a variety of tactics to make sure the child does not tell. Making the child believe they are the only one that cares about them, so the child fears losing the relationship. Threatening harm – physical, a loss of a family member, pet etc. Telling the child it is their fault and/or their parents will be ashamed of them. The child may simply be afraid of not being believed, or disrupting the family and/or creating a ‘problem’ when the family is already under duress.
Abuse by children
This may be one of the biggest reality-checking curve-balls regarding child sexual abuse. Who would think that nearly 40% of abusers were older or more physically/mentally advanced children? Generally an age difference of 3 years or more is enough for the older child to be aware that what he/she is doing is wrong. A larger child that can overpower a child smaller than them. A more knowledgeable child that exploits the naivety of a less-knowledgeable child. A child that has experienced or witnessed abuse and resorts to abuse as a means of acting out. Seven out of eight juvenile offenders are at least 12 years old, and 93% are boys. (Crimes Against Children Research Center, UNH, 2010)
We can prevent sexual abuse by teaching children about their own sexuality
Parents often wish to deny that their children will ever have sensual/sexual tendencies, even as young as toddlers. As they mature and their hormones increase these feelings of sexuality, it is important that we educate children how to take responsibility for their sexuality and what is the right and wrong way to respond to sexual arousal. The majority of children are now exposed to pornography – willingly or unwillingly by the age of 13.
The content of the pornography that is available can significantly impact a child’s sexual tendencies.
Some youth who commit sexual assault are serial offenders (they offend more than once), but most are not. The re-offense rate for such youth is 5%, lower than for adults who commit a first assault, and has been declining over time, possibly due to more awareness and better intervention. Therapy is often a necessary component to helping them work through it. Simply telling a child to “stop” or expressing anger or disappointment is not enough. The Stop It Now! organization has compiled great information about age-appropriate sexual behavior. And here’s a valuable handout from the National Child Traumatic Stress Network that outlines how to address inappropriate sexual behavior.
Possible motivators of children that abuse:
Curiosity Gone Too Far
If children are not properly educated and guided to understand and take responsibility for their own sexuality they are at increased risk to exploit a younger or more naive child to explore/act on their sexuality. Another possibility is an early exposure to pornography – whether shown intentionally by a peer/adult (which may qualify as sexual abuse), or unintentionally via unsupervised/unrestricted access to the internet or pornographic materials (magazines/videos).
Children That Have Experienced Abuse
Children that have previously experienced sexual abuse, especially from a young age, may struggle to cope with their emotions regarding their own abuse, and also may struggle with sexual urges. Children that have been sexually abused have been known to masturbate compulsively and act out on other children in ways that they themselves have been molested. Although the abuse by the juvenile in such cases is not necessarily intentional, it still has an abusive effect on the child they are victimizing.
Children That Aggressively Abuse
A significant portion of reported juvenile offenders were also abused – sexually or physically, neglected, or may have witnessed domestic abuse. Some children, who may often show aggressive or abusive behavior toward others, will use physical force to abuse another child, using their size and strength to overpower the victim. The abuser clearly knows what they are doing is wrong. This is not about sexual curiosity – it is about control and domination, often to counteract their own feelings of low self worth.
Sexual Deviancy
Some children may exhibit signs of sex addiction and interest in unhealthy sexual activity. Such juvenile offenders, even with treatment, may develop into adult predatory offenders. Access to pornography, in such cases is often contributed to exacerbating the obsession and scope of perversion.
Peer on Peer Abuse - Dating, Hazing, and Pranks
With the bombardment of sexuality on TV, in music videos, in song lyrics; access to pornography online – even in smart phone Apps, there is a growing opinion within society that sex is a casual interaction – often involving domination by one party. Young egocentric teens may fail to see their actions as “rape” – “no” may not mean “no” to them, and silence may be misinterpreted as consent. Occasionally we will hear of hazing or “pranks” involving, often a group of teens, violating and exploiting another teen. Their motivation may not be sexual gratification, but rather to embarrass or “initiate” a freshman teammate. In the Steubenville Ohio case, fellow students shared images of a 16 year old girl being abused – people ask why kids would even photograph such an act and then share it on social media – and the truth may be, that they don’t fully recognize sexual abuse as being abusive. While the intent is not self-gratification, the act is still one of violence and the effect on the child victim is the same.
Abuse by family members
The construction of a family unit is a child’s most important source of confidence and security – incest breaks that foundation.
Incest thrives when adults lack the fortitude to accept that it exists. People often think that it happens in other families and couldn’t happen theirs, but this perspective puts children at risk. Incest can involve grooming or none at all, since there is typically an already-established sense of trust, affection, and love. Incest can and does involve all types of family members- fathers, mothers, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, siblings, etc. One of the most violating aspects of incest is the destruction of trust between the child and their abuser – the construction of a family unit is a child’s most important source of confidence and security – incest breaks that foundation.
When it comes to protecting our children abuse prevention is best when it’s addressed within the family unit first.
Include Family in Talks About Body Safety
We must explain what constitutes unacceptable sexual interaction – and talk about it often. Also, some parents may suspect or know that abuse is occurring. Some may be participating/enabling the abuse or choose to enter into a state of denial and block out what they know is happening. This is an important reason why the responsibility of protecting children from child abuse needs to be shared across all adults in their life. Children deserve to have loving aunts, uncles, grandparents, and teachers that will help educate and empower them. Educate yourself and others about this.
Accept the Risk in 1:1 Situations with Family
It’s important to trust our instincts if we suspect a family member may be grooming or engaging in sexual activity with a child. Using family members – older siblings/cousins, grandparents as babysitters, or allowing sleepovers, etc. may seem like the safest choice for protecting children – but often parents fail to realize how real it is for a child to be abused in such situations and can miss warning signals because they have put their family members above reproach.
Be Wary of Children That Are Singled Out
In some cases of incest a singular child may be manipulated (most often with a father or step father) that they are the preferred love interest of their abuser. The abuser may manipulate the child to believe they is superior to their siblings or even their parent. This could happen before puberty – or during/after puberty as the abuser becomes sexually aroused by the victim’s developing body. Conversely, some abusers may openly bully and physically or emotionally abuse the child they are sexually abusing.
Believe & Protect Children That Disclose Abuse
While many families feel they can “handle” the situation, many abusers do not stop, and may also perpetrate outside of the family as well, to not report puts other children and future generations at risk. More often than we’d like to accept, even parents that were sexually abused by their own parents or extended family believe that their abusers are “too old” to abuse the next generation – only to find out that even elderly abusers continue to sexually violate.
Get Help for Children With Sexual Behavior Issues
Research shows that the earlier abusive sexual behaviors are addressed and treated, the less likely it is for the child to abuse in the future.
Get Help if You Feel You May Abuse A Child
If you find yourself thinking or viewing images of children in a sexual manner,
you need professional help. Sexual abuse of children is not only criminal, it’s devastating to their emotional health. There are many reasons why adults may be drawn to sexually abusing children, and those deeply rooted issues need to be addressed with a qualified sexual therapist.
Abuse by women
Sometimes woman sexually abuse children. It is hard to find solid statistical evidence to support how often it happens. This is because the victims by women tell much less often than those abused by men. Many victims don’t think people will believe them. Many don’t realize they were being abused until they are older. Although limited research exists, it is suggested that for many cases involving female perpetrators the motivation is not primarily about sexual fulfillment, but emotional fulfillment (loneliness, low self-esteem, depression), and that women offenders are more likely to have experienced or be in abusive relationships (sexual, physical, and/or psychological) than male offenders. Studies also suggest that female perpetrators are less “predatory” and lean more toward being “opportunistic” offenders.
The main types of female perpetrators:
- Facilitators- Women who intentionally aid men in gaining access to children for sexual purposes.
- Reluctant Partners- Women in long term relationships who go along with sexual exploitation of a minor out of fear of being abandoned.
- Initiating Partner- Women who want to sexually offend against a child and who may do it themselves or get a man or another woman to do it while they watch.
- Seducers and Lovers- Women who direct their sexual interest upon adolescents and develop an intense attachment.
- Pedophiles- Women who desire an exclusive and sustain sexual relationship with a child (a very rare occurrence).
- Psychotic Women- Who suffer from a mental illness and who have inappropriate sexual contact with children as a result.
Unfortunately, most of these women are sentenced much less severely than men who commit the same types of crimes. What is considered the rape of a young girl by an adult male is considered to others as a “fantasy” for a boy. And just like male predators, there is no stereo-type to look for when trying to identify a female sexual abuser, despite how well the media draws attention to them, what many would consider, the most “attractive” female perpetrators – which, most likely, only continues the public’s perception that sexual offenses by women are less abusive – which is far from the truth.
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