Understanding Brain Development During Adolescence
Research has shown that the human brain does not complete developing until our 20s to maybe even 30s. The frontal lobe, the part of the brain that manages impulse control, judgment, insight, and emotional control is still working to make the “connections” which help us understand consequences of our actions. Teenagers are not fully capable of protecting themselves, and in some ways, they need protection from themselves during these years.
Aren’t Teens Old Enough To Report?
Teenagers, are still children, incapable of full understanding the power imbalance that exists when a juvenile is involved in a romantic and/or sexual relationship with an adult – which is why statutory rape laws exist. A child that may think it is a reflection of how mature they are to be in a sexual relationship with an adult, often grow up to realize that not only was the relationship inappropriate, it was manipulative and their abuser, often someone in the role of a mentor, was not acting in their best interests.
Even when a teen is being abused and it is negatively affecting their mental health, their age does not make it easier for them to tell someone and get help. In some cases, the fact that they recognize that they are being abused, may make it even more difficult for them . As adults we still have the responsibility to protect children at this age, and to do so we must understand the risks and ways we can best empower the teens in our life.
Stranger Danger is Real and It’s Right in the Hands of Our Children
We believe stranger danger is a real threat, but it is most often on our children’s phones and computers, not their neighborhoods, with 1 in 5 children reporting that they have received a sexual solicitation online. Giving children access to the internet will expose them to the possibility of inappropriate images, message, and private communication with others. Additionally, many children naively believe that the anonymity of the internet is a source of protection but in reality, it is often used against them.
Ways We Can Reduce Risk With Online Devices
- Keep computers and devices with internet in common areas, not bedrooms.
- Educate yourself on setting appropriate filters for explicit images/language for your computer.
- Explain the dangers of sharing personal information – full name, email, phone, address etc. “checking in” at specific locations on social media.
- Consider leaving off your child’s last name on social media accounts so they cannot be easily identified.
- Whatever age is comfortable for you to allow your child to use social networking sites like Facebook, Twitter, Youtube etc – sign up so that you can follow your child. Make sure their privacy settings are set so that only friends can view their page and check to make sure they are not restricting what you are able to see. Tell them to not accept friend requests or respond to messages from people they do not know.
- If your child plays games through the internet (even through a game station) consider blocking the chat function, if possible, and discuss the risk of forming relationships online, even if their initial conversations are about the game.
- Computer/phone time should be limited and off limits overnight.
- Check browsing history and scope out apps to be sure they’re legit and not fake to conceal inappropriate material.
- Talk about people asking for them to share a “sexy” photo of him/herself. You’d be surprised how many children aren’t scared by such a proposition but instead feel flattered.
Pornography – yes, we have to talk about it
From the Sex-Wise Parent Author, by Janet Rosenzweig we know, “a major study found that almost all boys and two-thirds of girls over age 13 have been exposed to online porn. Most exposure happens between the ages of 14 and 17, but thousands of children 13 and younger are exposed to sexually explicit images daily. Boys are more likely to report that they sought out pornographic images while girls were more likely to report involuntary exposure.”
a major study found that almost all boys and two-thirds of girls over age 13 have been exposed to online porn.
“Early images influence a young person’s fundamental understanding of sexuality. People develop “sexual archetypes” or fundamental beliefs about sex, and viewing sexual images can become part of this development. If the people in the images look like people who could be a friends or neighbors then the acts may appear acceptable and an involuntary feeling of sexual arousal may make the act even seem more agreeable.”
How to Talk About it When Your Child Has Viewed Pornography
Ask about the content of the images using medically accurate terms for body parts and sex acts. Acknowledge that curiosity is normal, and share that these images are fictional and have nothing to do with real life love, sex and intimacy. Then consider exploring these issues:
- Consent: Did the people in the pictures look like they’d both agreed to the sex act? Did one participant appear to be coercing or otherwise threatening the other? Impart the healthy value that in real life all sex requires explicit consent.
- Emotions: What feelings did the people in the images seem to be experiencing? Make it clear that that the emotions associated with sex should be love, affection, warmth, and respect.
- Intimacy: No matter what was going on in the image, the very fact that it was being recorded and shared shows that there was not intimacy; share that healthy sexuality is an expression of deeply private and intimate feelings between partners.
- Arousal: Involuntary physical arousal from viewing sexual images may leave a youngster both exhilarated and shamed. Sexual arousal is instinctual and autonomic, and people of any age may find their body responding with arousal to an image they intellectually find repulsive. A discussion about the feelings associated with the arousal caused by the sight the pornographic image will break the secrecy and with it the power the images have over the child’s perception of sex.
Further reading suggestions: What’s the Impact of Porn on Kids? WhenYour Child Is Exposed to Pornography
Sexual Response and Responsibility
“It is important that your child know that as thinking, conscious human beings we have the opportunity to think about how to deal with our own arousal before we do anything with it.” -Dr Janet Rosenzweig, “The Sex-Wise Parent”
Adolescents need to understand that sexual arousal, even if intentional and certainly if not, does not mean the object of their lust has the responsibility to satisfy their desire. These are the years to empower adolescents to understand that maturity isn’t just about age, but accepting responsibility for our own actions and exercising our conscience when making decisions.
Understanding and Defining Consent
It is estimated that a good portion of adolescents are sexually active for the first time around age 17. but for some children it can be much earlier, and others may wait. Regardless of our values about sex and relationships and what we tell our children, it is important that they understand the importance of consent regarding intimate activity between two peers, whether it’s hugging, kissing, or more.
“No” means “no”. Always. It is not a negotiable. No one should feel guilty for saying no. No one should be trying to convince the uninterested party into doing someone they don’t feel comfortable doing. That’s not love. That’s not respect.
Redefining Consent: Consent should not be the absence of the word “no” but rather, asking and hearing the other person say “yes.”
A person should not simply judge by their own opinion that the other person has consented to what is happening. The best practice is to ask and receive confirmation that the other person feels comfortable with what is happening. This is especially important if one or both parties have been drinking.
Sex is not an Action, It's a Relationship
We all have a belief system about what makes healthy, happy, productive relationships. It’s important that we talk openly with our children about what we feel is the appropriate role of sex in the relationships we have with others.
There is no “perfect/right” answer that we can all agree on. But what we can tell you is that our children are growing up, exposed to influences – via music, TV, movies, the internet etc, that is glamorizing treating people like objects, it’s not about equal, respectful, loving sex – it’s often about serving a role to be dominant or submissive, without any thought or concern for people to feel cherished for who they are – not just what their body looks like or what they do or allow to be done with it.
Children are receiving a message that sex and love are not related – and that sex doesn’t affect our emotions, that it’s “easy” and expected to have sex without “any strings attached”. Adolescents need to be cognizant that sex does and should have an impact on the feelings of others and to be considerate, of themselves, and others – that what they see in movies, etc. is not a mirror of real life.
Sexual Abuse is a Crime
We can’t assume our children know right from wrong – we need to make sure of it. Letting our child know that sexual abuse is a crime, this might seem obvious or further explaining, but it is important that we do our part to make sure our children understand that sexual abuse is against our morals and the law.
Since up to 40% of abusers are children, it is important our children recognize that all people deserve respect, and forcing sexual activities on other people is a crime. We cannot afford to underestimate the sexual capacity of our children and the potential consequences of not teaching them respect, empathy, self-control, consent and responsible, sexual behavior.
And while we’re at it, lets not forget to let our kids know how we feel about other import topics: racism, bullying, emotional & physical abuse, respecting people with physical or mental disabilities etc. And the consequences for physically or emotionally abusing others.
Sexting
Cell phones are much more difficult to monitor, and with 90-95% of teens having phones of their own, we cannot afford to ignore the danger of having a social device that enables others to communicate with our children without our knowledge.
- Most kids that take risque photos do so for a romantic interest. Talk about how they would feel if that person shared those images with their friends, or what would happen to them if the relationship fell apart. Some may even send nude pictures in order be accepted or feel attractive – even from someone they don’t know.
- Talk about the threat of exploitation and that predators are out there, pretending to be minors. Social media and private chat functions are some of the most common ways predators lure children, pretending to be a peer and/or threats
- Talk about the legal ramifications for creating, receiving, and distributing nude images (see below).
- Even if they pay for their own phone or phone service – it is still our job as the adult to make sure they’re safe. Teens may feel “grown up” but their brains are far from being fully developed, and may participate in risky behavior because they cannot mentally grasp the consequences of their actions. Set out rules for responsible phone/social devices and abide by them. (Here’s an idea for a “contract”.)
Child Pornography and the Law
United States Code, defines child pornography as any visual depiction of sexually explicit conduct involving a minor (someone under 18 years of age). Visual depictions include photographs, videos, digital or computer generated images indistinguishable from an actual minor, and images created, adapted, or modified, but appear to depict an identifiable, actual minor. Undeveloped film, undeveloped videotape, and electronically stored data that can be converted into a visual image of child pornography are also deemed illegal visual depictions under federal law.Notably, the legal definition of sexually explicit conduct does not require that an image depict a child engaging in sexual activity. A picture of a naked child may constitute illegal child pornography if it is sufficiently sexually suggestive. Additionally, the age of consent for sexual activity in a given state is irrelevant; any depiction of a minor under 18 years of age engaging in sexually explicit conduct is illegal.What does this mean for parents of teens?We need to make sure our children understand that they can be held accountable for creating and distributing nude images or video of minors (children under 18) – even if it’s their girlfriend/boyfriend, even if they did it as a practical joke on a younger sibling or child they’re babysitting, or in a moment of anger. They can and will be held accountable for their actions.
Entering the Workforce
Whether it’s babysitting, scooping ice cream, or doing some simple office work for a business owner (even if their employer is family or a family friend), it is important to talk with your children and the business owner/manager about child safety. A teen may automatically assume that the people they are working with and for are respectable, and that their first priority is the task of running the business, but too often, this is not the case. It is important to mentally prepare our growing children to be aware that there is the potential for sexual harassment and abuse to occur on the job – whether it’s from another employee or from management. Find out what policies & procedures the management has established for reporting and handling sexual harassment or abuse. When good business owners know that you take abuse seriously, they will often follow suit and take the necessary precautions. If not simply because protecting their employees is the right thing to do, the last thing a business owner wants is a law suit.
Sex Trafficking Happens Everywhere
It is a dangerous myth that children that are sexually trafficked are kidnapped by strangers and held captive against their will. Many are exploited while they live at home and/or maintain contact with family and friends, often still attending school.
Runaways and at-risk youth are targeted by traffickers for exploitation in the commercial sex industry or different labor or services industries. These perpetrators are skilled at manipulating child victims and maintaining control through a combination of deception, lies, feigned affection, threats, and violence.The average age of entry into prostitution for a child victim in the United States is 13-14 years old. (U.S. Department of Justice)
- Approximately 300,000 children are at risk of being prostituted in the United States. (U.S. Department of Justice)
- One in three teens on the street will be lured toward prostitution within 48 hours of leaving home. (National Runaway Hotline)
- More than half of the girls (57%) involved in prostitution stated that they were sexually abused by someone outside of the family.
Children can live at home and be sexually exploited. Those that exploit often target children with low self esteem and/or a dysfunctional or absent parental figures; coming off as a love-interest, but soon forcing (often beating, drugging) their victims to have sex with others. Talk to your children about the dangers of older teens/young adults that are quick to show interest in them or peers. Know the signs of victimization, and let your children know to tell you if they see any of these signs in a fellow peer. Trafficking happens everywhere – from the cities to the suburbs. “Johns” – men seeking prostitutes (sadly, yes, specifically children) come from all walks of life.
