The Best Defense is a Purposeful Defense
While a main part of prevention is focused on education of children, there is a lot protective adults can do to avoid putting children into situations that may jeopardize their safety. Raising awareness with the adults and organizations we trust with our children, identifying situation that create opportunity for abuse, and increasing transparency are essential to creating a safety-first approach to caring for and working with children.
We know child sexual abuse most often occurs in 1:1 situations where the abuser and victim are out of sight of others – an estimated 80% of the time.
Less Opportunity = Less Risk of Abuse
By identifying such situations and considering ways to avoid the isolation of a child with another person, and creating ways to provide transparency when our children are alone with others, we can reduce the opportunity and risk for abuse. While this may not always be possible with family and friends, abuse prevention efforts should be considered a standard for youth serving organizations and professional childcare providers and healthcare workers.
History has shown that no matter how reputable a doctor or school may be, the most effective child predators are often well educated and successful at their jobs. Expecting a professional to care about the safety and well being of our children as much as we do is exactly the level of trust that abusers capitalize on.
Pediatricians
Trips to a pediatrician’s office should include your presence in the room during an examination. Even when in the room – pay attention to what is going on. Pediatricians have been known to inappropriately touch children even while the parent was in the room, but distracted reading a magazine etc. If you’re being asked to leave the room, you should feel confident that it’s for a very good reason, and if possible, ask for a medical assistant to take your place. If your gut is telling you that there is no good reason to leave your child alone with a doctor – don’t. Speak up. You are your child’s guardian, not the pediatrician.
Dental Offices
Dental offices can be trickier since the rooms are not always set up to hold many people. The best option is an office that has an open room for pediatric patients or doors with windows, multiple hygienists with staff and other patients coming and going. Even if you cannot stay with your young child, you can feel more comfortable knowing there are people who can see what is going on.
Therapists
If your child requires therapy, you must first be mindful of your child’s emotional state. Children that are enduring stress/depression etc are at an increased risk to be targeted for abuse. It is horrifying to think that the very people who study and train to help children could be so remorseless in their perpetrating of such vulnerable people – but, unfortunately, it happens. Even in school systems where parents often have less involvement/oversight to the circumstances/location of offices. While the presence of a parent may not be in the best interest of a child in therapy, visual contact is the least we can expect from a provider – whether by a window or closed circuit camera. It is their responsibility to make us feel confident in them, they should not expect us to simply take a leap of faith because of their degree or popularity of their practice.
Schools & School Buildings
Schools systems, and especially school buildings were not designed with preventing child sexual abuse in mind. Classrooms and teacher/staff offices are often not very visible – for the sake of keeping children focused, but this also puts greater responsibility on teachers to respect their role and authority in relation to their students. While we can’t exactly expect a school to tear down walls – we can ask about their code of conduct in regard to teacher/student interactions and how they address the issue of reducing opportunity for abuse. Most schools are required to have policies & protocol when it comes to reporting abuse (and whether they follow it is a whole other issue), but it’s not required, in most states, that teachers & staff be educated on preventing child sexual abuse. Yet, statistics support that abuse of children by adults in school settings is far from uncommon.
Youth Serving Organizations
It may feel uncomfortable to question organizational leaders on abuse prevention but the reality is that when we don’t ask, it is often discovered after it is too late, that not only was child safety not prioritized, it is not uncommon for those with the power to protect children to instead work to conceal evidence of abuse to protect the institution.
We change this by exercising our voices and demanding better safety standards for our kids. It isn’t uncommon for schools and organizations to put off adding more policies and training procedures for staff because it costs money, takes time, creates paperwork and despite the fact that it may make the environment safer for kids – it’s added work for staff that may already feel overwhelmed by a whole other list of requirements. However, the evidence is overwhelming that a significant percentage of sexual harassment and abuse can be reduced by youth serving organizations taking the necessary steps to acknowledge the risk and minimizing opportunity.
So what do we want to know if our child is involved in organized activities?
- What is the hiring process and how do they screen applicants? Most sexual predators will pass a background check, but many have a history of complaints of inappropriate behavior. Does the organization call past employment/volunteer positions and ask specifically regarding such instances? Are they upfront about a zero tolerance stance against inappropriate behavior, sexual harassment and assault?
- Do they have sexual abuse training that new or current staff must complete upon hiring or on an annual basis
- Are there policies to eliminate 1:1 situations with staff/children?
- Are staff clearly informed on the importance and proper steps to report suspected or disclosed abuse?
Stop it Now offers specific tip sheets if your child is going to camp, in sports, faith-based programs, and daycare.
If you work for a youth serving organization or you wish to share resources to improve their policies on reducing risk of sexual abuse, the Center for Disease Control and Enough Abuse offer guidelines and training resources online.
Minimizing Risk With Caregivers & Babysitters
Hiring a babysitter that you feel is qualified, experienced, and genuinely enjoys working with children is essential, but not always easy. Because there are no regulations for babysitting/nannying it is very easy for a person to enter into this type of work with the responsibility resting on parents to check references and assess their ability.
Tips and Words of Advice To Consider When Hiring a Caregiver
Be Wary Of Eager or Free Sitters
Consider the ‘why’ behind the motivation of anyone who is eager to babysit for you but isn’t on your go-to list, like a grandmother. If a family friend or coworker is offering to babysit for free, consider that a possible red flag if you don’t have good reason to trust their intentions.
Judge Books By Their Cover
When it comes to picking someone who is safe for your children, you absolutely have the right to assess whether or not you feel comfortable with this person based on the way they dress, their tone of voice, their Facebook profile, etc.
Call References
Ask for non-family references and make sure you’re able to have a conversation with them and specifically ask if anything about their behavior or feedback from their children has ever concerned them. If they’re not returning messages, we may want to ask ourselves, ‘why’?
Make Clear Rules About Visitors
It may be worthwhile to know if your babysitter is dating anyone or has a spouse and make rules clear about communicating with you if, for some reason, someone would need to stop by (forgotten phone, keys – whatever it is). Unfortunately, sometimes the abuser isn’t necessarily the caregiver you trust – but a partner or spouse. If your child is being cared for within another home, find out who else lives with them – older children, extended family, a spouse, etc. Get details on their ages, occupation, etc. and, when possible, find an opportunity to meet them, preferably before any childcare begins.
Include Them As Part of Your Body Safety Circle
Caregivers are essential role models for children to learn appropriate behaviors, respecting and promoting privacy, and providing another key person in their life to talk to if they should ever need help. Asking prospective or current caregivers to take a course in sexual abuse prevention, such as
Darkness to Light can be done online or often for free through a community program.
Start with A Trial Session
Do a test-run with a new caregiver while running a short errand, or start by having them spend time with your children while you’re home. Let them play with your children while you get house/yard work – this way you can gain a sense of the dynamic, how they truly engage with children and also, so you can be there to answer any questions that may come up – where do you keep band aids, do you want them to put dirty dishes into the dishwasher, what fork/spoon does your toddler prefer at meal time, etc. We have all become experts on our children and all children are different – it’s only fair to help a new babysitter understand all the quirks of your children (especially young children) and home. From time-t0-time being around to observe or coming home early unexpectedly can provide us with helpful insight that this person is the right choice for your family.
Don't Ignore Red Flags
Listen for cues that may be red flags – trouble at home, getting fired from another job, issues with their love life, or a partner/spouse with problems etc – even if they don’t mean to, they may bring trouble to your home and expose your children to danger.
At any moment that you feel you have lost faith or trust in your babysitter/caretaker – you sense that they are not being honest or truthful – cut the cord. It is better to wonder if you were wrong to break it off, than to continue the relationship and find out later that your instinct was right.
Minimizing Opportunity in More Casual Situations
Whether it’s an established karate studio, dance class, or an in-home piano teacher, there are things we can look for and require to make extracurricular activities safer for our kids.
- If your child is going to someone’s home, find out where the lessons will be taking place, if you are encouraged to stay and if anyone else is at the home. Ask for references and treat the interview process as you would a babysitter – this person may not be caring for your child, but your child is in their care and you should feel comfortable – and so should your child. If the lessons are taking place in a back room or a basement, if you’re not allowed to stay, if they do have older children or adults in the home – you may want to look elsewhere. It should be their job to make you feel confident, not your job to convince yourself that “it’s only for an hour, I’m sure it’ll be fine.” A lot can happen in an hour.
- If it is an established brick & mortar business, find out how many other children are in the class, how many other instructors/employees are on the premises, where the lessons are held – can other people see into the room? Where are the bathrooms? If there are many employees on site – find out what their screening process entails and ask if they perform background checks and what sort of training/protocols they have for ensuring appropriate behavior.
- If you know other parents of children going to the same place, you can make it a group effort to request information so that the management understands that abuse prevention is something all families will expect.
Family, Friends, and Peers
The people we know and trust the most, will understandably, spend the most time alone with our children. Visiting grandparents, playdates with friends, leaving older siblings to watch younger siblings – this is all part of life. Yet, we know that people in a child’s family circle are, categorically, the most common abusers, be it parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, siblings, family members of their friends, etc.
Minimizing Opportunity for Abuse Within the Home
Promote an Open Door Policy
If it’s daytime and people are around the house – doors should be open if there is more than one person in the room. This should apply every day, even if it’s just your immediate family or people are over to visit. One on one time doesn’t need to be in a closed bedroom or down in the basement out of view.
Remain Vigilant During Gatherings/Parties
Getting together should be a time to celebrate and spend with family & friends. For some, it means coming face to face with a family member or family friend who has or will sexually abuse them. You may find yourself especially distracted with company or at ease knowing your child is in a house full of family – but often a crowd is the perfect situation for people to fail to notice or be concerned about someone’s absence. Encourage children to stay in view and remind them that body safety rules apply to all people – included family.
Check In On Occasion
Be aware of who is where and if you notice that certain people are not in a common area – pop in from time to time and see what they’re up to. It doesn’t have to be sneaky or defensive. And when you do so – observe their demeanor. Are they surprised? Are they comfortable that you’ve now entered the room or are they uneasy? Analyzing the reaction to your presence may help identify situations/people that may call for closer observation.
Trust Your Intuition
If your gut is telling you something, listen to it. Don’t feel guilty because the thought popped into your head that someone you trust could potentially be a sexual abuser – if a person’s behavior is inappropriate, it is always in the best interest of the child to address the issue, even if their intentions are innocent, children benefit when they are surrounded by people who prioritize their safety and bodily autonomy.
Review Body Safety Often
While it may seem like the safest choice to leave children with grandparents, a partner, or siblings, etc., it is prudent to ask your children how they spent their time while you were out, especially for younger siblings – make sure that they feel safe when you’re leaving and were treated well while you were gone. Sometimes we parents may tune out complaints from our children, but showing our children that we are willing and ready to listen to them is just as important as talking to them about body safety.
