When to Speak Up - The Mama Bear Effect

Addressing Concerns With Other Adults

Many people, when faced with a situation that causes concern, are uncertain how to best approach an issue and are anxious at the idea of offending or wrongly accusing someone.

So what do you say without shouting “What are you, a pedophile!?” There is no ‘one ‘correct way to handle every kind of situation, what is most important is to maintain that child safety is prioritized. Here we have outlined a possible sequence in which to address a concern.

Identify the Behavior
Express to the person what behavior you are observing and how it makes you feel. “I see that you have a habit of tickling all the children on your soccer team. It makes me uncomfortable because the children may not realize that if they don’t want to be tickled, that they can say ‘no’. More importantly, I don’t think it’s necessary or appropriate for a coach to be tickling children.”
Allow the Person To Respond
Listen, without interruption. This will not only allow them to feel less attacked, but also provide you the opportunity to assess their response. Do they seem to be generally concerned that their behavior may be inappropriate or are they defensive and trying to make you feel guilty or accuse you of inappropriate thoughts?
Respond With Control and Conviction
If the person understands your concern and agrees to stop or amend their behavior- great! If they don’t and you feel they are unaware of the problem or don’t care, a response might sound like this, “I understand that you feel your behavior is harmless, but I’ve been learning a lot about child sexual abuse and this term called ‘grooming’. Excessive or personal touching, like tickling, is often how a person may break down a child’s body barriers. It may not seem like a big deal, but knowing how many children are out there being abused, I don’t think you would want that sort of attention being called toward you, and it’s safer for the children if you respect their personal space. As adults, we don’t go around tickling each other, and it’s important that our children understand that they have the same right to be respected. “
If The Person Refuses or Disregards Your Concern
Depending on the situation, you may want to speak with other parents/adults and address your concern or a supervisor of the person in question. Often, in such situations, the behavior may concern others that feel uncomfortable bringing it up, and they will appreciate your courage to speak up.

Even if the outcome is positive, and the person agrees to stop the behavior, the situation warrants increased observation. It may have been innocent or it may have been predatory and the potential offender has been deterred, or worse, the person may continue their behavior.

Maintaining vigilance and addressing concerns with those who hold responsibility to protect children is important. Under Title IX, schools that receive federal funding have a legal responsibility to protect children and respond appropriately and in a timely manner to issues of sexual harassment and assault.

If you find that the ‘powers that be’ are resisting efforts to prioritize the safety of children, know that this is, sadly, not uncommon and that your voice and your actions matter. It is often the actions of regular people with courage that create positive change – in their own families and communities.

Do Not Hesitate To Say ‘No’

When a situation presents itself and you feel uncomfortable and concern for a child – do not hesitate to express yourself. Too often, the the fear of offending a person or an institution holds protective adults back from saying or doing what is needed to prioritize the safety of children. In this day and age, we have the information to know that sexual abuse is not only a serious risk, it affects children in all socio-economic demographics, from elite schools, religious programs, to recreational camps and youth mentoring programs. Don’t make it personal. It’s not about them – it’s about the situation. It’s about the rules that you have established in order to protect your child from harm.

Too often, the the fear of offending a person or an institution holds protective adults back from saying or doing what is needed to prioritize the safety of children.

A music lesson that’s held in a back room out of view of others.
A summer camp program that has no established rules for training staff about preventing and reporting abuse.
A person that offers to babysit, transport, or spend time with your child alone.
When someone is not respecting a child’s personal boundaries in a manner that one would expect for the relationship – ex. a teacher that talks about sexual relationships or a boss that caresses employees.

How to Address Situations With Children

Curiosity about the human body and lack of concern for personal privacy is normal for young children since they have no reason to understand it would be inappropriate. That said, these are the years we need begin teaching what is appropriate and addressing any inappropriate behavior so that their naivete is not used against them. As children get older their awareness of sexuality begins to broaden, but their ability to discern what constitutes appropriate and healthy is largely influenced by those around them. If we’re not talking about it and providing accurate information and support, they’ll likely be getting misinformation and influenced by negative attitudes elsewhere.

Children Ages 2-5

What is Considered Common for Children Ages 2-5

How to Respond - Focus on Education

Behavior for children at this age is often unintentional and/or innocent curiosity. Children should not feel shamed or in trouble for such behavior as it may discourage a future disclosure in fear that they will be reprimanded.

Calmly identify the behavior that you witness, “It looks like you’re trying to touch your baby sibling’s private parts.”

Ask the child(ren) to explain what it is they are doing

Gently explain that private part areas are not for sharing, showing, or touching in front of others.

Redirect the behavior by showing them what is considered appropriate, ex. tapping on the arm instead of on the chest.

Read a book to teach young kids about bodily differences and encourage questions so they feel comfortable coming to you for questions.

Be prepared to readdress this behavior repeatedly, ex. Tapping an adult on the chest or crotch area to get attention.Note: sometimes interactions between two children may look to be inappropriate but are not, for example a young child trying to help a friend or sibling zip up a stuck zipper on a pair or jeans etc., which is why it is important that we maintain our composure and allow children to talk openly, without judgement or jumping to conclusions.

What is Considered Uncommon For Children 2-5

Some children may be more curious about genitalia or discover at an early age that touching may feel good to their bodies. However overly sexual behavior is one of the common signs that a child is being abused. Such behavior may include:

Rubbing their genitals on toys, furniture, or others

Trying to use their tongue when kissing

Continuously trying to touch the genitals of others

Trying to insert objects into their vagina or anus

Playing with dolls or toys in a sexual manner

Sexual behavior towards another child that involves violence or threats

How to Respond - Keep Your Cool

It is natural to feel shock and perhaps anger seeing a child behaving in a way that is overly sexual and possibly indicative that they are being abused. You may feel compelled to begin asking the child questions about the behavior and if someone has been touching them inappropriately, but it is important to not impose our own thoughts or assumptions onto the child.

Children in such situations likely need professional help and may be interviewed for a potential criminal investigation. Calling a local child advocacy center for advice on the next best steps is important as the child may need to be interviewed or entered into play therapy to determine if abuse has occurred.

Children ages 6-8

At this age, children become more curious to know details on why males and females have different sexual organs, different romantic relationship dynamics, and how exactly babies are conceived and born.

What is Considered Common

Children at this age are unlikely to begin puberty and have not experienced the increase in hormone production that can lead to sexual urges and interest in sexual behaviors, thus sexual behavior is still relatively uncommon at this age, yet their desire to learn about concepts that relate to sex will increase with age.

Curiosity about human development and reproduction
Curiosity about the opposite sex
Touching one’s genitals

How to Respond

This is an important age to continue to set the example that we are the best source for accurate information when kids have questions about their bodies, human development, sexual behavior, and reproduction. Some children may begin puberty early, and others may have already been exposed to sexualized images through social media and the internet. Making such conversations normal and welcome will help children avoid feeling shameful or embarrassed when they have questions or hear things from their friends or older kids.

What is Considered Uncommon for Ages 6-8

How to Respond

It is important to identify the source of information or where a child has been exposed to the examples of behavior they are mimicking. Again, it is important to determine whether or not abuse may have occurred which is why it is wise to speak to a local agency regarding the behavior and determine if there is enough evidence to warrant an interview. Some children may not be ready to talk about what they may be experiencing, and involving a therapist qualified in sexual abuse and/or problematic sexual behaviors can help a child work through their thoughts and feelings, without unintended judgment or lack of understanding we adults may inadvertently express.

Children aged 9-12

At this age, it is normal for parents to become nervous about their children going through puberty and facing an increasing level of sexualized messages – from movies, music and peers. This is the age children begin establishing their values about sex and relationships, which is why it is beneficial that we stay in the loop to provide accurate and practical information and influence.

What is Considered Common

At this age it is common for children to hear and be curious about sexual terms and relationships. They may view sexualized advertisement, tv previews and music performances with curiosity as to the ‘why’ people act, dress, or talk in a ‘sexy’ or romantic way. Girls at this age may want to dress more like adults because of these influences but will likely not understand the purpose of dressing, dancing, or posing in a way that is considered ‘sexy’. As many children view pornographic images or videos by the time they are 12 and the beginning of puberty, it is not uncommon for children at this age to be interested in experimenting with peers in a sexual way.

How to Respond

By age 9, if not sooner, children should be educated in the mechanics of sexual reproduction. Puberty and exposure to sexualized material, such as porn, can be very upsetting and, at times, traumatizing to children. We stand with the research that suggests that pornography is not normal nor positive for human sexuality and relationships and support that children need to be educated so that they understand that pornography is not a representation of realistic or enjoyable sex. A significant percent of pornography not only involves coercion, but also physical abuse which often influences abusive sexual behavior in juveniles and adults.

What is Considered Uncommon

How to Respond

While such behavior may seem embarrassing or upsetting, it is important to remember that shaming or punishing a child for having sexual behavior issues may only create further disconnection when they need more connection with positive adults influences on what constitutes healthy, appropriate sexual behavior. Children that seem to be acting out sexually and/or cannot stop such behavior may benefit from therapy not only to address their current behavior but to investigate any potential cause. Not addressing such behavior hoping it will resolve itself may only increase the influence of peers, media, and pornography as they become older.

Children Ages 13-18

Sexual development and the formation of personal values regarding sex and relationships are in full-motion during this period of growth. While children may strive towards being independent, they still very much benefit from positive and compassionate influences from their parents and other protective adults.

What is Considered Common

At this age, children are walking a line between learning what romantic relationships and sex are about, while still developing the connections in their brain to make decisions and understanding the consequences of their actions. Children are under a lot of pressure regarding grades, self image, friendships, social standing, and preparing for their future. During this age it is common for adolescents to:

talk and joke using sexualized terms
date & experiment sexually with peers
masturbate for pleasure
seek out sexualized images, ‘sext,’ engage in voyeurism

How to Respond

What is Considered Uncommon

How to Respond

For more information and resources on problematic sexual behaviors visit:

The National Center on The Sexual Behavior of Youth

Other sources for this page: Stop it Now! Healthy Children

Trust Yourself More

There is credit to be given for the intangible but undeniable feeling of sensing something is “off” or questionable about a person or situation. Do not try to suppress or deny your instinct. Embrace it, exercise it, and talk to your kids about listening to theirs.

This is a key component to the Mama Bear Effect ideology. When it comes to protecting children we can be polite, but we’re not going to let people walk all over us. Whether you’re hiring a new babysitter, a child’s friend invites them on a family trip, a team coach that has a “weird” personality or mannerisms, a teenager on a date that is starting to feel uncomfortable – we all need to recognize that when our instincts are telling us something may not be right or safe, it’s better to listen and act on the side of safety, than to continue in fear of hurting someone’s feelings and enable a dangerous situation.

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