Cognitive Development: Finding Their Strengths
Child development theorist, Erik Erikson, believed that during the school years children focus a lot of their emotional health on their ability to feel productive and capable. Learning how to read, do arithmetic, develop a talent for sports, art, music, helping around the house and making friends -all affect their sense of self confidence and how they fit into the world.
How Does Cognitive Development Play into Protecting Children From Abuse?
Children realize that, to various degrees, there are measures to compare themselves to others – appearance, intelligence, talent, likability, etc. They crave acceptance and appreciation within the home and out- with teachers, coaches, and their peers.The emotional needs of children at this age combined with their innocence, create an ideal environment for potential abusers to groom and manipulate a child at this age. Children that feel less-confident and have fewer positive, protective adults in their life are very easily identified by sexual abusers and are considered ‘easy targets’ because skilled predators know and use the needs of these children to their own advantage. As protective adults, whether parent, grandparent, teacher, coach or family friend there is, conversely, significant opportunity to build up the children in our lives with encouragement, appreciation, and attention.
Give Children the Tools to Keep Safe & Communicate
When children experience sexual abuse without consistent education about body safety and support from adults whom they truly feel heard and supported, they often find themselves in a continuous cycle of confusion, shame, and inability to express what is going on. As many survivors have said, they simply did not have the words to tell. Just as children are continuing to learn how they fit into their families, their peer circles, and the world at large, they also need to know what their rights are when it comes to their bodies and how they are treated by others.
As many survivors have said, “I did not have the words to tell.”
When children are not educated they feel there must be some reason as to why no one taught them about this danger, or that the protective adults in their life are not aware and therefore the child may feel compelled to maintain the secrecy because the abuse is something that people don’t talk about. Sadly, this is something that is often reinforced when a child does disclose and is discouraged from talking, entering into therapy, or pursuing proper legal action.
Establish a Body Safety Circle
While we may assume our children will come to us first if they need help, realistically, we need to accept that no matter how strong our bond, they may hesitate to tell us first.
With our children, we should decide upon a group of adults (say 3-5) that we both agree would be be someone they could and should tell, if someone has broken a of body safety rule. This ‘Body Safety Circle’ should include not only family, but people unrelated to them that they see on a frequent basis, ex. a childcare provider, a parent of a good friend, troop leader or coach, teacher, therapist or school nurse.
Once you have picked your “circle”, let these people know and share resources with them to help them understand how best to support bodily autonomy and appropriately handle a disclosure. For those that are mandated reporters, like teachers and health professionals, inquire upon what sort of abuse prevention training (if any) they have taken.
Bribes & Special Treatment
Children should be wary of acquaintances that offers something for no reason (not a birthday/holiday). It could be a gift, money, a ride in a car, letting them play with a ‘cool’ toy, a babysitter that allows them to stay up late, etc.
For older children, a bribe could doubles as blackmail, like alcohol or drugs, where the child may fear telling someone that they’ve been abused because they are just as afraid they’ll get into trouble.
Let your children know that you are aware of this ploy, and even if they’re afraid that you’ll get mad, you care more about their safety, and that you love them more than anyone who would threaten them. If they accept something from someone who then uses that to pressure them to do something that they know is wrong, it is not their fault, and we want them to tell us.
Body Safety Check-Ins
When children spend time alone with others, we know that risk for abuse can increase. Whether it’s a sports camp, playdate, or sleepover with family, incorporating regular check-ins with our children helps to normalize these conversations. At a quiet time, bedtime or another time when you can talk 1:1, asking open ended questions such as: how did you spend your time? Did you do anything different with them/at their house than we do? What was the best part? Did you have a least favorite part? Did everyone follow our body safety rules? By working up to body safety related questions, this allows the conversation o feel just like it is – a conversation, not an interrogation. We have time to sense their emotions while they’re talking and allow questions regarding their safety to feel normal, with any weight from us to provide a certain response. From time to time, we can ask children to give us examples of what our body safety rules are, so that they can have a chance to show their knowledge, and actively participate in these talks, rather than being just the listener. Remember, it’s not just a talk, it’s part of our family culture!
Inappropriate Affection & Accidental Touching
Adults that have a habit of being very ‘touchy’ with children, especially if they seem to do with with one sex versus another, may do so as a way of breaking down a child’s sense of personal boundaries. When that person is someone of authority, like a religious leader, coach, or teacher it may be accepted because this person is in a position of power, reducing a child’s ability to speak up for their own safety.
Some potential abusers may ‘accidentally’ touch a child inappropriately. If the child says nothing – either to that person or to another adult. If someone does speak up, they can claim it was accidental but if nothing is said or done, that predator may feel confident to pursue further violations. Children should know that even accidental touches or signs of affection by people of authority are the types of behaviors that we want to know about, even if they don’t feel uncomfortable about it, it’s always a good idea to keep open communication.
When Not to be Polite - Prioritizing Safety
As a society, it is commonly ingrained, from childhood, to be polite that when it comes to protecting ourselves, that we find ourselves uncomfortable defending ourselves. It takes practices and support for children to gain confidence and muscle memory to stand up against someone who is pushing our boundaries or attempting to lure them into an unsafe situation. Practicing say “no” loudly and confidently. Working through “what if” situations and how to be loud and even be violent, if necessary. Self defense classes are a great opportunity to get expert advice and develop these skills.
Promises Can Be Broken
Much like abusers use ‘secrets’ to keep children from telling, ‘promises’ are a way to make a child feel culpable for the abuse.
The abuser may use promises as a way to slowly groom a child into a close relationship and into submission, reinforcing the ‘importance’ of keeping a promise. It may then lead to the abuser making the child promise to do what they’re told, or the abuser may promise to not do it to a sibling if they are allowed to continue.
Children should know that it is against body safety rules for someone to ask them to keep a secret from you, their guardian. Any promise that involves breaking a body safety rule or other inappropriate or unkind behavior is most definitely a promise that should be broken. This includes if a friend discloses abuse and makes them promise not to tell. It is always right to tell a trusted adult and get help.
People of Authority
At some point, you will most likely feel comfortable leaving your child alone with older peers/adults that serve a role in your child’s life – a coach, a tutor, a teacher, a troop leader etc. It’s not so easy to get to know these people, since you may only see them for a few minutes at a time – your child will most likely know them better than you.
Especially if the person is a teen or young adult, kids may automatically be in awe of this person because they’re older but not, “old” like most of us – “uncool” parents. They may seek or take delight in attention from this person.
This situation gives predators an opportunity to groom a child out of view from their own parents and establish a relationship that the parents may know little or nothing about.
In terms of empowering & communicating with your children – ask them questions about their time spent with this person. Get to know how your child feels about this person and what they talk about.
Let your child know they should tell you if this person ever:
- initiates physical contact (with them or others) that seem inappropriate,
- talks about inappropriate issues (kissing, private parts, alcohol or drugs)
- gives them extra attention or seems to have a “favorite” student/athlete
- if they ever try to communicate with your child (or other children) via text, social media or email
- tries to spend time with your child outside the scope of their role
- tries to lure or isolate your child from others or enters to use a bathroom with children present
Let your child know that sometimes, people may try to seem “cool” or “loving” to trick a child into doing something that is wrong. If our children understand that we’re smart enough to know these people exist, they will be more likely to understand that this behavior is wrong, that we will believe them, and that it is the right thing to tell us.
Creating a Code Word
Pick a simple word or phrase that your child can use to communicate to you that they’re feeling uncomfortable or unsafe but don’t want to call attention to themselves in front of others, such as at a party or sleepover.
The code phrase be something like “I need my medicine.” Whatever works for you and your child.
It’s not easy for anyone to come out and say that something inappropriate is happening – in front of others or creating a scene by wanting to talk to a parent in private may make it even more difficult. It is our goal to make our kids know we are aware that they may not always be safe with friends/family etc and to make it as easy as possible for them to ask for help when they need it.
Teaching Them How To Talk to Strangers
The idea that kids should never talk to strangers, can actually put them at greater risk if they should find themselves in a situation where they are in public and need assistance.
When you feel your child is ready to understand, teach them to engage in simple conversation with others when you are out together, asking for the time, paying for their own purchase at a store, etc. Take some time to sit in public and ask them to look around and identify who looks like a safe person and discuss why.
Statistically speaking and per the advice of safety expert, Gavin de Becker, men are much more likely to sexually abuse than women – most experts recommend that children in need seek out a woman, especially a “mom” with children, or an older woman.
When they’re old enough to remember your cell phone (or if you have a tag/bracelet they wear with it written down) teach them to ask for someone (preferably a mother with children first, or someone that seems like the safest choice) to call you if they ever get lost. No one should try to get them to leave the location or enter a car in order to find you.
How To Handle True Stranger Danger Situations
Walking to/from bus stops are one of the more common situations where children face interactions with people that are seeking to lure children. Statistically, this is a very rare situation but, nonetheless, a good reason to talk to our children on how to stay safe in such situations – even into adulthood. Practicing with our children is a great way to build up their mental/muscle memory. Get in your car, if you have one, or walk with them down the street:
- Stay a safe distance from anyone who is in a car and especially work vans.
- If anyone tries to get them to go closer to their car, practice yelling ‘no!’ and running back home.
- If they’re not close to home, the best option is to run in the opposite direction that the car is facing, so that the driver cannot simply chase them down the road but would have to turn around, giving the child more time to get away and knock on a door for help.
- Staying together with a buddy when out in public places is always a good idea, even in group settings as it can help children be protective of one another and reduce opportunity for attempted lures.
- Being aware of one’s surroundings, assessing the body language of others, not being distracted by a phone.
Practice What Could You Do Scenarios
Preparing children for potentially inappropriate or unsafe situations can help give their brain the opportunity to remember ways to respond that can help keep them safe. Discussing what should “could” do, not necessary what they “should” can build mental preparedness. – What could you do if your friend’s parent was hugging you in a way that made you feel uncomfortable? What could you do if you were sleeping and your older cousin came into your bed? What could you do if someone in your Body Safety Circle broke a body safety rule? We emphasis use of the word ‘could’ rather than should, because even if a child is too afraid to react in a protective manner – freezing is the body’s way of protecting a person too. It’s OK if they didn’t do anything, it’s still not their fault. No matter how much we may discuss abuse, it is always very likely that the body may ‘freeze’ – this is a biological reaction that is not something people actively choose, but often feel to blame as a result.’
It’s Time to Talk About Sexual Reproduction
By age 7-10, professionals agree that we need to explain puberty and sexual intercourse to our children. We feel it is an advantage to begin talking about it at an earlier age than later, because children are often exposed to less-accurate ways of learning about human sexuality through siblings, friends, social media, etc. The more they learn before we have the opportunity to share information in an open and nurturing way, the more embarrassed they will be to talk about it with us.
Studies have shown children that are educated on sex by their parents are less likely to become sexually active at a young age. If we can instill with them the purpose and special nature of sex, they are more likely to have greater respect for it, for themselves, and others. A great book to read to prepare yourself for this conversation is “The Sex Wise Parent” by Janet Rosenzweig.
Understanding Autonomic Responses
Those that sexually abuse children often use human biology to their advantage. Sexual arousal from stimulation is something that the human body cannot control. Just as many people will laugh when they’re being tickled, it doesn’t mean they enjoy it, but they cannot stop their body’s response. Children who experience physical pleasure during sexual abuse may feel that they are at fault and too ashamed to tell someone what is happening. They may feel ‘dirty’ because they know or sense that what has happened is not appropriate and that it is better not to disclose what has happened. Because the feeling is pleasurable, children may even seek out or initiate sexual contact with their abuser and therefore feel even more to blame.
As guardians for our children we can help combat this barrier to disclosure, safety, and healing by educating children that such responses are perfectly normal for the human body, that it is not something they can control, and that we will still love them, that they are still worthy, and that there is help and healing available.
The Bullying Connection
While many children have the propensity to be mean at times, The characteristics of bullying, as a continual pattern of aggressive behavior, and sexual abuse perpetrated by minors are similar; sexual abuse can become a tactic to feel powerful and dominating.
- a positive attitude toward violence
- a need to dominate others and in control
- impulsive, aggressive behavior
- lack of empathy towards others
Bullied children and sexually abused children also share similar characteristics. Those with lower self-esteem may be at a greater risk to be abused because they may lack the confidence to defend themselves, they may seek to feel accepted and liked by their peers, and find themselves in situations that compromise their safety. Identifying and properly addressing symptoms of bullying, as a perpetrator or as a victim, is important to reducing the possibility of a child offending or being abused. And as a gentle reminder, this applies to boys and girls. Addressing problematic and/or abusive sexual behaviors in children is critical to getting them the help they need.
Siblings
Sibling abuse is suggested to be one of the most under-reported forms of child sexual abuse. Although there is limited data on the prevalence, the most common form of reported sibling sexual abuse involve an older sibling victimizing a younger sibling.
Understanding sexuality and experiencing puberty can be very confusing for children – the last thing we want is a sexually curious child using a younger sibling (or any child for that matter) to experiment or use as an outlet for their sexual urges.
What We Can Do to Reduce Risk of Sibling Abuse
- Consider the sibling dynamic: nurturing older siblings may feel more protective of their younger siblings, while children that try to exert dominance or even bully their siblings most definitely need correction, guidance, and increased supervision. Just because a child is old enough to watch their younger siblings on their own, does not make it the best or safety choice.
- Listen to your child and investigate if they’re complaining about their older sibling – especially if it involves bullying, controlling, or violent behavior, and especially allegations of sexual interaction.
- Address issues of curiosity about the opposite sex – early! Get a book or go online – there is nothing wrong with a child knowing and understanding how the sexual organs of boys & girls look & function. Especially for boys, it would be great if more men understood menstruation (and pregnancy) and were raised to respect what women go through every month, rather than use it as a way to tease and belittle the female sex. And likewise for girls to understand that penis-size is not the end all and be all of being a “man” and sympathizing that boys cannot control erections and may feel very sensitive about this – especially in school & public settings.
- Remind older siblings that sexual interaction is only appropriate between two consenting, non-related, mature people of the same age (or however you feel most comfortable phrasing that, depending on your own personal beliefs about sex and what age/relationships (married/unmarried or committed/uncommitted) are appropriate).
- Pornography is now being determined by many experts as a negative and potentially addictive influence on children and adults. Encouraging or allowing a child to view pornography may very well promote violence and rape as attractive forms of sexual stimulation. Many abusers use pornography as means of finding new ways to abuse their victims and may consider a painful response from their victim to be a desired effect of their actions.
- If your child seems to be exhibiting signs of problematic sexual behavior there are therapist who can help address those concerns and promote positive behaviors. Too often parents of such children are uncomfortable and in denial about their child’s behavior and do not seek professional help, however children that do receive counseling are much less likely to continue the behaviors into adulthood. For more visit:
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