Rock The Talk_® – Infants & Toddlers

The sooner we start using the proper terms for genitalia the easier and more normal it will be as our children get older. Teaching and using the words: penis, scrotum, vulva, and vagina helps to end the taboo that the proper terms are not ‘polite’. When children can identify their genitalia using the correct words it is easier for them to be understood if they ever need to make a disclosure. Additionally, abusers have been known to introduce ‘pet names’ for genitalia to make sexual contact seem fun.

Boys versus girls, they have what?

It is perfectly normal and expected for children, especially siblings, to notice differences in genitalia. Some children may not be curious because it has never come to their attention. Books that describe the differences between male and female genitalia are a great way to introduce this information to children in a safe and educational manner. If your child isn’t curious and still unaware of our biological differences, we recommend by age 3-4 to teach them so that they know and understand that these parts are private.

Where do babies come from? 

So many parents fear this question, but really, it’s great opportunity to show our children how amazing the human body is! Depending on your parenting style/comfort level you may not need or want to explain sexual reproduction. Toddlers will often be happy to understand that all women have tiny eggs in their ovaries, and sometimes those eggs develop into a baby which grows in their uterus down beneath the stomach, which is why pregnant women look like they have a big belly.

Once again, books can be a great tool to show children what a baby looks like while it’s growing and focus on some of the other cool facts of pregnancy and the human life cycle.

Raising children to understand and appreciate their bodies can help tremendously to combat feelings of discomfort when they need to talk about it, especially during puberty when they may feel scared or embarrassed by the changes they’re experiencing.

Children thrive on structure at a very early age. Just like nap and bedtime routines, teaching manners etc.,children appreciate and feel more secure when they know what is expected from them and others.

Starting before or at age 2, begin to introduce the idea of what private parts are: the areas of our body that are covered by a underwear, diapers, or a bathing suit. People’s private parts should be kept private – out of sight/touch of other people – which is why we cover our privates unless we’re washing ourselves. When dressing or changing a diaper, we can say something like “time to cover up your privates. These are just for you, no one should look or touch your privates except when you need help to stay clean or get dressed.”

Bathing, using the toilet, dressing, and sleeping are times when people should have “privacy” – both children and adults.  “Lets keep the bathroom door closed for the person in there so they can have their privacy.” 

Appropriate & Inappropriate Touch

Sometimes it is necessary for a person to touch or look at a child’s private parts, such as changing a diaper or applying cream, washing a young child at bath time,  helping wipe after using the toilet, or at a doctor’s visit (with a guardian present & watching); these are appropriate touches. 

Inappropriate touches are when people try to touch, see, or show their own privates – they might rub, tickle, or grab, and it might tickle, feel uncomfortable, or hurt.  

Sometimes, people might try to play a “game” with privates – It’s a rule: we do not tickle, look at, take pictures, or play games with each other’s private parts.

It helps to reinforce that respecting privates goes two ways: no one should look at our privates and we should not look at other people’s privates. 

Teaching children about body safety not only helps keep them safe, it also helps them to respect others as well.

It’s a Rule: hugs, kisses, and being touched is always optional

Children often learn more by the example we set than the words we speak. When a child is forced to be affectionate or intimate with someone they’re uncomfortable with, even if we believe they’re perfectly safe, it sends a message that they are not allowed to trust their instincts, and we will expect them to prioritize the wants of others over their own feelings.  Promoting other ways to be friendly – saying hello, waving hi, or a fist-bump can help children understand the importance of recognizing someone without compromising their personal space. 

A doctor’s visit, when it is necessary for their health to be examined, is an exception. Depending on their age, we can explain that it’s part of a doctor’s job to check and make sure their privates are healthy. We should always be present in the room and not just physically, but also paying attention. Survivors have shared with us how their own doctors touched them inappropriately while their parents were sitting in the very room, reading a magazine. If a doctor asks that we leave the room, we have a right to understand why, to challenge that request, and expect a nurse or assistant be present in our absence to provide oversight.

It’s a Rule: No secrets

Even convicted abusers have admitted being surprised by how easy it was to get a child to keep sexual abuse a secret. 

Some abusers will begin grooming children by building their bond and testing them to keep small secrets, “don’t tell I gave you this,” and then take it further. By teaching our children at an early age that secrets from us are not allowed, we are reducing the risk for this ploy to work on our child. And, it is especially important that if a person does ask our child to keep a secret, even if it seems innocent, to educate them that we have a ‘no secret’ policy because we know it can open the doors to people with ill intentions to bond with our children.

What about surprises?

A surprise is different – because the end result will be the person finding out and it is only kept quiet for a short time. Surprises are also meant to be fun and happy – like a birthday or a trip. A secret may be fun but it could also be scary, if the person says something threatening, or warns that they will be in trouble. Any time our children are afraid to tell us something, is a time that we must show them we will respond calmly and with love, no matter what.

It’s a Rule: Mouths are private, too!

We brush our teeth and use floss, which a big person has to help children with, sometimes they might have a hair or piece of food stuck in their mouth and want it out, but no one should be sticking toys or anything into their mouth (or eyes or ears – just to keep it general) “just for fun”.

Before taking a trip to the dentist or doctor’s office explain that they will be looking and touching inside their mouth but it is OK because 1. we are there, and 2. it’s the doctor’s job to check their throat/teeth/tongue/ears/eyes to make sure they are healthy.

It’s a Rule: No gifts without permission

Children should know that no one should give them gifts, money, or special favors without that person asking us first. Gift giving is a way that abusers build a relationship with a child and as a means of keeping them silent.

We can set the example for our children that ‘no’ will be respected if they do not want to be touched. If our child says ‘no’ – we should stop and let them know we stopped because they said so, and because we don’t want anyone touching them if they don’t like it. If they are telling someone ‘no’ or ‘stop’ (even if it’s someone they love, like a grandparent) and that person is not listening, it is important to ask them to stop, and explain why it is supportive for your child’s safety to respect them when they say ‘no.’ They can say no to anyone – a teacher, a coach, an older kid, and us parents, too.

Asking Permission

As adults, we can create a culture of consent by asking permission and encouraging our children to ask permission of others before hugging, kissing, etc. Some children are naturally more into hugging than others, and it’s important that they understand, no matter how much they love someone, asking permission for that hug or kiss is an important way to show our love.

Understanding Emotions

Helping our children learn how to ‘read’ other people’s facial expressions can help them understand the importance of valuing others’ feelings. Someone might not say ‘no’ to sharing a toy, but we can tell by their face that they’re not happy about it. This kind of emotional intelligence is crucial to building a sense of compassion and empathy for others, something which many who abuse lack.

Listening to their Intuition

We’ve probably all experienced a moment where we were in a situation and had an uneasy feeling, usually in our stomach or chest.  We could sense that a person’s intentions weren’t good. Kids can feel this, too. Sometimes this is referred to as an “icky” feeling. Maybe they’ve felt it before – a scary amusement ride, or a large dog, or meeting someone new.

We should let our children know to trust this feeling and that is is very important that they tell you if a person or situation makes them feel this way. Helping children to listen and trust their body’s protective reactions is important. It may not always be right, but it always has their safety in mind.

If someone threatens them, or does something that makes them uncomfortable, we want our children to tell us. We will be proud of them for telling us. And more importantly, we want our children to feel comfortable to come to us when they have questions about their bodies, human development, and reproduction. Many of us remember the experiences of going through puberty and feeling afraid or awkward to talk to our parents about it. It’s a normal, natural part of life, and we need to approach the subject with the same amount of comfort and truth as anything else. Open, loving, honest communication is essential.

Fostering Resilience By Focusing on Solutions, Not Problems

As the saying goes, children learn more from what we do than what we say. If we lose our cool over spilled juice or a broken dish, our children are less likely to tell the truth about future mishaps out of fear of our reaction. Sexual abuse is no different; even children that know it’s right to tell may feel keeping it a secret is a better choice than facing an unpleasant response. Teaching children to tell is only one small part of abuse prevention, we must also establish a culture where talking about their bodies and disclosing abuse is encouraged and supported.

“Sometimes nice people do the wrong thing”

While many use the term “monster” to describe sexual abusers, they do not usually come into the life of their victim formed as such. If anything, it’s often quite the opposite – it’s someone they believe loves them and they may love or admire in return – someone that has made them feel special, especially if they are lacking close relationships.

Even when sexual activity is introduced into the relationship, not all children will understand the extent of the abuse right away. By the time they do, it may seem too late to tell. The feelings of complicity, embarrassment, and guilt make them afraid to tell. They may feel bound to protect their abuser in fear of what will happened to them. 

 People think that any child would become afraid of their abuser, but the truth is, they may care for this person and fear telling.

It’s also important that we not take on a position of violence if someone were to hurt our children, ex. “I’d kill anyone that hurt you.” This attitude may make a child even more afraid to tell, because they may not want this person to be hurt or have their protective parent get into trouble. 

It is important to explain to our children that people that do the wrong thing don’t always look like “bad” people. That even we, as parents, might trust the wrong people. Which is why we must remind them it’s always right to tell and that it’s never too late – we wont be angry or disappointed, we will believe them and listen. This is one of the most difficult lessons for both adults and children to understand, because so often – people do not even suspect abusers, don’t believe victims when they tell, and are too often, quick to forgive & make excuses for abusers because they often are “nice” people, respected by many.

Sexual Abuse Is Never the Fault of the Child 

With the mission of protecting children from bearing the shame of abuse, we are very much against the mentality of “No, Go, Tell!”

The message that children must say ‘no’, must run away, and must tell right away, puts significant responsibility on the child to react defensively, when research has shown that even adults with combat training cannot overcome the ‘freeze’ response that many victims experience during a sexual assault. That is not to say that we shouldn’t teach children that they can yell ‘no’ and run away, but that it is not their job to do that. Do we want them to come and tell us right away? Absolutely. But if they are confused, afraid, or too ashamed to tell right away it’s more important that they tell us when they can. It is never too late to tell.