Five Ways Parents Can Deter Predators

We often refer to the saying “never get between a mother bear and her cubs” – and that is the reaction we want potential predators to take away with them if they should ever cross our path.

As much as 90% of child sexual abuse occurs in a situation where the child and their family know the abuser and the perpetrator has either sought out a position of trust or is taking advantage of trust due to their relationship or position of authority. Many are patient, choose their victims/families carefully and spend time grooming both the adults and children. Why all this effort? First of all, they don’t want to get caught. They want an abusive relationship with a child that they can maintain and keep secret. Some convicted child predators have been open enough to be interviewed by abuse prevention experts and we can learn from their tactics and what situations they avoided to maintain their cover.

While there are no guarantees that we can absolutely deter a potential predator, being aware of the reality, vigilant of the people involved with our children, and maintaining open communication with our children are core components to improving protection efforts. 

Show that You’re A Loving and Attentive Parent

Being interested and invested in your child’s life – activities, knowing their friends & parents, coaches, teachers, asking questions involving plans, arriving a few minutes early for pickups from practices etc. – all these little actions send a signal that you care about your child, that you’re watching.  

Predators generally look for children whose parents are less involved, indicating the child may be looking for attention/love that they aren’t getting at home. Such behavior could also indicate that the parent is busy, distracted and easily trusting of others involved with their children. A parent that doesn’t even think about the threat of abuse is just as much of a target as the child involved.

There is often a lot of debate regarding giving children the option to be affectionate on their terms, yet many adults still feel it is a sign of respect for a child to hug or kiss a relative, that there is no harm in forcing such affection. However, we know that many trust abusers use their position to maintain control and took advantage of their ‘right’ to be affection with children.  By being the adult that stands up for a child’s right to be affectionate on their terms, to make sure children are ok with tickling and rough housing and speaking up when the child is clearly not comfortable, we are empowering children to know their rights and making it harder for a potential abuser to continue their grooming process.

Be a parent that trusts their gut and isn’t afraid to say what needs to be said

No one,  and we mean no one, will care about the well being of our children more than us. Their safety is our responsibility – end of story. We shouldn’t be embarrassed or afraid of offending people in order to do this job well.

It doesn’t matter what other people think – it matters what you think.

That means:

  1. Asking for verification that licensed day care providers are, indeed, licensed and for a copy of their review.
  2. Ask day cares, schools, youth organizations etc about about abuse prevention policies, any training and procedures established to reduce opportunity, and that concerns are addressed appropriately. 
  3. Being the person who calls references for babysitters/nannies/tutors etc and asks questions like -” did you ever feel uncomfortable with this person caring for your child?” And if you call a reference and they never get back to you – keep calling and if you can never get them, consider that to be not a good sign.
  4. If something in your gut tells you ‘no’, to not put your child in a situation where you feel like you’re taking an unnecessary risk- whether it’s a sleepover, a retreat, or an unknown babysitter that was recommended by a friend, listen to your gut. Your instinct is based on some truth – even if you can’t put your finger on it, the purpose of your instinct is to avoid danger. When it comes to keeping your child safe, it doesn’t matter what other people think – it matters what you think.
  5. If you have a concern about someone’s behavior – express it. Whatever it is, if someone is giving off a signal that what they’re doing is making you or your child uncomfortable, it is never wrong to speak up.

Grooming often starts in the presence of other adults.

Grooming often starts with such behavior in the presence of other adults in order to normalize the behavior with the child as being acceptable – if mom or dad isn’t objecting, then this must be OK. Furthermore, we enable abuse when we trust that other people have our children’s best interests in mind – especially when we’re paying them.  This is just not the case.

There are often situations where someone does suspect something is up but is afraid of offending that person or making a mistake. But we need to ask ourselves, what do we care about more, our children’s safety or someone’s feelings when our concern is legitimate? Which outcome would we prefer: expressing a concern and finding out that there’s no problem or not speaking up only to later discover we were right and could have saved a child a lot of suffering?

Respect and Listen To Our Child

Just as we have instincts, our children have them too. They also have a right to have their concerns heard and valued. Parents that listen to their children and respect their opinions and feelings will show potential predators that you are not an ideal target.

Most children will not come out and express their concern, they may be more vague, or they may be naïve to the grooming behaviors and thus we need to be attuned when they are talking about how they feel about others. For example: 

Child: “I don’t want to go to Uncle Danny’s house – he’s weird.

“Parent: “Don’t say that about your uncle – he’s your family – you have to be nice to him.”

A better reaction: “What is it about Uncle Danny that you think is weird?”

It’s up to us to prioritize safety, not dismiss our children as being incapable of knowing something we don’t.

Child: “Alison’s babysitter is way cooler than our sitter. “

Parent: “That’s nice for Alison.” 

A better reaction: “What is it that you like about Alison’s sitter?”

Maybe the sitter does cool arts & crafts or it could be that they are letting them do things that you wouldn’t approve of. Since many abusers won’t necessarily come off as ‘bad’ people it’s important to pay attention to the dynamic of any relationship your child has, even if it appears to be positive, and especially if it’s with someone new. As our children get older, they will likely spend more and more time away from us and it may become more challenging to observe such interactions, which is why it will become even more important to ask questions, listen, and ask our children from time to time if the people they spend time with are acting appropriately and respecting body safety rules. 

Be the Person Person That’s Not Afraid To Say It

I am educated and committed to preventing child sexual abuse.

Imagine there is a possible predator in your community, you’re in their presence and just happen to mention something you’ve learned about child sexual abuse and how you’ve spent time to educate yourself to protect your family. Do you think this person would want to target you and your family? As convicted offenders have shared they look for families that trust easily. The most prolific abusers are often from ‘safe’ desirable communities because people do not believe child sexual abuse is something they need to worry about and often feel that it’s not polite to talk about. 

The more comfortable we feel discussing this issue with friends & family, the more we normalize a culture of protecting and empowering children, and in turn creating an environment that is safer for children and more difficult for predators to operate.

Many parents reach out to us shocked to find that the youth organizations they trust with their children are not properly educated or taking necessary steps to protect children. When they address the issue with management they are often faced with a lack of concern or naiveté – assuming that background checks are sufficient and that everyone that works for them is ‘nice’.

Be The First Line of Defense 

While pedophiles are sexually attracted to prepubescent children, for many predators it’s not about sexual attraction, they choose children because they are easy to target and control. Most sexual abusers of children are not pedophiles but choose to sexually abuse children due to other personal issues. The idea that we can somehow spot someone who is a sexual abuser only creates a false sense of security, as many abusers take satisfaction in being able to maintain a public appearance, giving them a greater sense of power. 

Preventing abuse is an adult’s job, children that have experienced abuse should never feel they are to blame.

We should never assume a child will have the ability to effectively protect themselves from a skilled pedophile, and in all likelihood we should understand that most children will not.  Outdated abuse prevention lessons focused on teaching children that they must yell ‘no’ and run away to tell someone. This strategy, although created with the hope that it would stop abuse from happening in the first place, was not realistic or effective. Survivor who were taught they must say ‘no’ and didn’t, have shared with us how the blame they felt as a result discouraged them from disclosing because they felt it was their fault that the abuse happened.

In all reality, we know that even when adults are sexually assaulted, they are overwhelmed by confusion and experience the freeze response. Teaching children it is their job to protect themselves from sexual assault when adults are not able to accomplish this simply does not make sense. That being said, we can and should do our best to educate children to know their self worth and right to be respected and treated appropriately. Children have a right to say ‘no’ to situations or touches that make them feel uncomfortable, but it is not their job to say ‘no’. Keeping the responsibility off children to stop abusers is essential in helping them disclose sooner and understand that abuse is never their fault.

Sadly, family members and romantic partners of single parents are often some of the most common, yet least reported, sexual abusers of children because they have what all predators need: access and trust. The people we consider to be the last we would suspect should be the first that we educate, and expect to set a standard for our children on what safe appropriate relationships look like. No one can earn a ‘free pass’ with our children. No one. 

Educating the adults and older children we trust with our children is key to improving the awareness of the good people we trust, and deterring the potential threat that may exist in our circles. Being aware of ‘red flag’ behavior that is associated with potential grooming behavior and symptoms of abuse in children can help us adults prevent and identify a situation that requires intervention sooner. Many parents of child survivors look back and realize there were little signs they ignored or did not associate with abuse that made sense as they became educated after a disclosure. If there is one thing that they want to come out of their experience it is to help other adults and parents be educated so that their children can be protected and disclose abuse as soon as possible.

There is no one-size-fits-all solution

Many people want to know a sure-fire way to protect their children from sexual abuse, unfortunately that is just not possible. Even the most loving, attentive parents cannot 100% guarantee their child’s safety – but that shouldn’t stop us from trying our hardest and doing as much as we can to thwart potential predators, be cognizant of warning signs, and keep positive, open and honest communication with our children. Some consider the fact that over 90% of abuse is perpetrated by people known to the child as a negative, but we can see it as an advantage – we know the people we need to educate and look out for, and we know these people are watching us to see if we are educated.

 Sexual abuse does not have to mean a life of struggling and pain, the sooner a child discloses, is believed and supported in their healing, the more their sense of resiliency can help minimize the impact of trauma and emotional distress. Even if our child never experiences a situation that puts their personal safety at risk, the steps that we can take to protect and empower children against abuse will encourage our children grow in respect for themselves and others and strengthen our bond as a family. This isn’t just about abuse prevention, it’s also about being better parents for our children. 

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