It’s the most wonderful time of the year, or so the song goes. And it often is; with an overload of favorite foods, family, friends, and festivities. There is a lot that people look forward to, even if it means a lot of preparation, bargain shopping and traveling in traffic.
While we may be thinking of what sort of gifts or memories we want to give to our children, we may not be thinking about something even more important, their safety. We’re not here to add a bah humbug to your holiday plans, but actually help make sure that they’re memorable for all the right reasons.
Child sexual abuse is an epidemic in our country and around the world, affecting an estimate between 1:10 children to possibly as high as 1:4 girls and 1:6 boys. Due to low reporting, it is challenging to find accurate statistics, but the exact numbers are not as important as addressing what experts have found to be the best ways to protect children.
With over 90% of abuse being perpetrated by someone the child knows, it is often a family member or close family friend. And surprisingly as much as 40% of abuse is perpetrated by juveniles – yes, often siblings and cousins. A family gathering can and does create opportunity for abuse – while we’re thinking of what’s in the oven or keeping heated family debates to a simmer, we’re often not thinking of what our children are up to. A house full of family and friends should be the safest place for our children, but in reality that is not always the case.
We’re not telling you all this to scare you, but to prepare you. A little awareness and a few abuse prevention steps can go a long way.
Before You Gather
Is company coming or are you getting everyone ready to head out for that annual visit? Have a talk with your kids about their personal safety. Talk about who will be there and ask them if there is anyone that makes them uncomfortable – for any reason. Let them know that even family are expected to treat them with respect and we want them to come to us if they need to talk about anyone’s behavior. And hey, let’s be specific – no one should be sharing private parts or showing pictures of people’s privates. When kids know exactly what we’re talking about they feel more able to talk about it.
Create a Code Word
Communicating inappropriate behavior, especially in front of a group of people is not exactly easy. If our kids need to talk to us privately but don’t want to announce it to the whole room, we can offer a code word or phrase to help them get our attention without feeling on the spot. It could be something like “I need my medicine” “Do you have my teddy?” Whatever it is, something that they feel comfortable with and know you’ll respond with an open ear.
Don’t Force the Hug
Hugging, kissing, and being held are very intimate interactions of affection, so it shouldn’t be surprising that children may have anxiety about embracing with family they rarely see, or perhaps for good reason, a specific person. Saying hello, waving, giving a high five or fist bump, are all acceptable ways to greet family. If you are a grandparent, aunt, or uncle one way to show our little ones love is by allowing them to be affectionate when they’re ready. It is not uncommon for a child that was leery of a family member when they first walked in, to be asking for them to stay longer by the end of the visit. Letting children choose to be affectionate on their terms teaches them that we adults value their feelings, and to follow their instincts.
Avoid Letting Kids Play Behind Closed Doors
While it may seem ideal to keep the noise down to a minimum, isolating children from the rest of the party reduces our opportunity to supervise and make sure everyone is behaving, and acting appropriately. Situations where adults or older kids are alone with younger children should be minimized, if not eliminated. Checking in on occasion can help keep tabs on what’s going on and by making our presence known, discourage any potential temptation to do something they know we wouldn’t approve of. This applies not just to sexual abuse but any kind of bullying or activities we wouldn’t approve of – messing with workout equipment in the basement or making slime on their bedroom floor, for example.
Take Mental Notes of People’s Behaviors & Speak Up
Those who may sexually abuse children often try to break down a child’s personal boundaries regarding touch, and they’ll do this in front of other people. A family member that touches, tickles, or wrestles children even when they don’t like it. A teen or adult that is way more interested in spending time with younger kids than their peers should send up a few red flags that we need to pay more attention, not less. If we witness someone that is not respecting a child’s bodily autonomy we have a right to speak up for that child and tell the person in question to stop. Everyone has a right to not be touched in a way that makes them uncomfortable. That’s not to say that we can’t have tickle fights or become a human jungle gym, but set an example for proper consent, ask permission before picking a child up and checking to make sure they’re still having fun, especially if they’re not talking.
End of the Night Check-In
After everyone has gone home and the dust has settled, it’s a great idea to take some quiet to time ask a child if they had fun and if everyone behaved appropriately. This is an essential way to create opportunity to talk about anything that may be on their mind. Are they eager to talk about how great it was or are they dismissive and don’t want to talk? That could be a sign that they’re upset and reason to talk more openly about body safety in the future. Please don’t forget, this applies to our teens, too. Some abusers may not target a child until after puberty, but that doesn’t mean our children will be more able to protect themselves. Often the shock and confusion of facing inappropriate comments from a family member or friend whom they’ve known as a protector, kicks in a ‘freeze’ response., which is why it’s important to keep communication open with our kids, no matter their age.
At the very least, we hope you’ll find that these tips help you to continue to set the example for your children that their personal safety is important to you, no matter the setting. And at the most we are working to reduce opportunity for abuse for all the children in our family.
In closing we’d like to extend a special thanks to all the survivors who have shared their stories with us over the years, and all the protective adults that appreciate the importance of prioritizing child safety, no matter the who, what, and where.
