Playdates are a great way to build friendships (child and adult alike) and they're often the highlight of a child's week especially as they make new friends in school. Each family, however, has their own way of doing things, and it's important to address safety and parenting style issues that may arise. Surprisingly, parents are often confronted with situations where someone else's approach is contradictory to their own. Rather than find this out after the fact, here are some suggestions of expectations and topics that should be covered pre-playdate. 

Maybe you are the most amazing people in the world and set the bar for playdate standards. But part of that should also include assuring the other parent that you value the responsibility of having their child in your home. Getting to know the parents also gives you an opportunity to learn a little about them and their parenting style - maybe you wont want your child going to their house in return, or maybe you'll find that great parent friend you can rely on for a last minute babysitting need.

A Don't: Don't offer to take the child home straight from school unless you know them well enough that you feel this would be a comfortable situation for them. It may seem like a convenient offer - an opportunity to give them a break, but without knowing you or your child, this is a potential red flag for 

Some things you should cover in the course of conversation: 

• Are there other siblings and what are their ages - will they have friends over as well? 
• Will the other parent or other adults be home during this time? 
  
• Do you own any guns and how are they secured? 
• Where do you both stand on video games, internet usage, tv time and types of shows you allow the kids watch? 
• Do you have pets, if so what kinds?
  
• Do you own a pool, trampoline? Will someone be watching the kids?
  
• Do you let the children play outside by themselves - what are the rules about leaving the house and how far they are allowed to go? 

Ok, so we agree this may seem awkward - how do you bring up the topic of body safety naturally? Here is one suggestion - since you're here reading this right now, let them know that you follow our advice regarding parenting children and body safety. Offer them a copy of our educational materials or our free coloring pages and explain how you've been teaching your children about body autonomy and the rules about body safety.  If you are always having playdates where the other parent stays the whole time, you may not need to bring all of this up right away. But during the course of time, we recommend that any home where your child may be playing should be a home that is aware of your body safety education and, hopefully, teaches their children and adopts similar rules.  After all, the more people that are educated and proactive about body safety, the safer the whole community will be. 

What rules? 

1. No playing in rooms with the door closed and, especially, never lock doors. 
Maybe a younger sibling is bothering them, but the solution is not to allow them to be isolated from the rest of the house. 
2. We always keep our clothes on and we don't share or touch each other's private parts.  
This may seem like a given, but most younger kids don't have a strong sense of needing privacy. Children that are not educated about body safety may begin to be curious about their private parts and use a play date as an opportunity to explore. This is not unnatural, but it is important that we positively direct children to learn about their private parts at home, by talking or reading a book with us. 
3. We don't keep secrets from our parents. 
This seems to be a big one for kids. When they're over a friend's house there are new snacks and toys and places they want to explore. You may be surprised how even the most well behaved child can be convinced to sneak a treat or allow their friend to play with or take something they're not supposed to. If one child is trying to get the other to do something and keep it hidden from the parent, it needs to be told. We know kids are learning and they're not self control experts, so it's understandable that this is probably going to happen. It's important that we control our response - to not be angry or punish our child for doing the wrong thing, but rather take it as an opportunity to explain why we have these rules and the behavior we expect from them and their friends. 
4. We don't trick, bribe, or bully others. 
This is not only needed for friends but also younger or older siblings. To the older child involved it may seem funny to get a younger child to do something they're not supposed to. But for the younger child involved, who isn't as aware of what is going on or doesn't have the ability to defend themselves it becomes an issue of not being treated with respect. It could be as simple as getting a toddler to shake a bottle of baby powder on their own head, or convincing a child to do something sexually inappropriate. When older children are present in the home, it is important to be aware of where they are all playing and to supervise when children of different ages are playing together. With as much as40% of sexual abuse perpetrated by minors, the risk shouldn't be discounted. 

If the child is being dropped off at your house, maybe you'll want to text a photo of what the kids are up to during the course of the playdate. If something happens that you feel the other parent should know - don't hold back, tell them. We parents should be on the same page when it comes to understand that our kids are learning how to behave properly and that things can happen by accident. For example a child may walk into the bathroom without knocking and accidentally intrude on someone else's privacy, or maybe the kids snuck outside without asking first. Don't let the other parent find out that this happened without hearing it from you first. Open communication is necessary. 

Our goal here is to build upon our safety network for our children. We want our children to be safe in any home they enter, whether it's family or friends. We want every adult and child our children interact with to be aware of body safety rules and, hopefully, to employ them in their families as well.  Children are not safe from abuse by knowing these rules on their own. We must surround them with people and in environments that support body autonomy and minimize risk for abuse. It's not about being a helicopter hovering over our kids, it's just being smart about how we empower our children to explore the world around them.

 A Last Don't: Don't feel guilty if you do not feel comfortable allowing your child to play over someone's house. Invite them to a park or other activity where you can both be present. It is not our job to protect the egos of other adults, it is our job to protect our children as best we are able.

A Last Do: Do observe your child's mood and behavior after playdates with friends. Are they talkative about how their time was spent together? Are they happy and looking forward to playing together again? Or, are they quiet and withdrawn? You know your child best and when our children can't talk, they often communicate through behaviors when something is bothering them.  

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