Many survivors of child sexual abuse (and convicted predators for that matter) discuss the tactics of their abuser to gain their trust (and that of others) to gain access to the child and coerce them into sexual activity. 

Much of this is often done right in front of other people. Why? Because it creates false sense of security that if this person is doing these things in front of other people 1. the child believes it is acceptable and 2. other people believe the persons intentions must be harmless. 

This is what you can look for to potentially identify grooming behaviors of sexual abusers of children - this applies not only to your children but even for friends/relatives - you may see behavior that the child's parent may miss or fall prey to. 

But, keep in mind, too - that seeing these signs does NOT mean this person is most definitely trying to abuse your child. What predators do what nice people would do and they emphasize that behavior to gain trust & access to your child. Nowadays, people are afraid to be nice & helpful because they're afraid of being suspected of something bad - good people have to go above and beyond to show their intentions are good while groomers will often seek out the people that will more easily trust them. 

While the vast majority of those that use these forms of grooming tend to be male offenders, if you witness any of these behaviors with anyone and your gut is sending you a signal - listen. 

Here are 9 situations to be vigilant of. 

1. The Helper. Someone that is filling a need to a family, especially single mothers with children lacking a father figure. A new acquaintance, friend or boyfriend that is eager & ready to help care for the child, or move in so that they have access to the child throughout the day & night. It may seem like a dream come true to the parent and become a nightmare for the child. But it may also be a family with two parents that are very busy, or sad to say self-involved, that don't have a strong connection with their children -it could be a family member, a babysitter/nanny, or even a coach that is going "beyond their duty" to be a friend to this child. 

2. The Kid Magnet.  Someone that spends more time socializing with children than people their own age. To the children this person may seem like the "fun" adult and meanwhile you might be thinking "gee, that person really likes kids." Sure, most people like kids, but generally we also want to take a break and chat with people our own age - not always the case with groomers. 

3. Mr Touchy Feely. Groomers need children to feel physically comfortable with them. They may hug, kiss, tickle, hold, wrestle, or maintain close proximity to a child they are targeting. Sometimes they may even "accidentally" touch a child inappropriately to gauge their reaction and test the situation to see if they will mention it to someone. This is often done right in front of people. They may ignore a child's cues that they do not want to engage in physical contact and try to persuade them that it's all in "fun" or because they "love" them. 

4. The Special Friend. Gift giving, favors, solo trips, and/or the "pet" child. If someone is giving special attention to a particular child, or seems to have new favorites from year-to-year they may be more than nice - they may be grooming or buying this child's silence. 

5. The Lure. The person that has no kids but lots of kid-friendly stuff. Video games, train sets, BB guns, drum set  whatever it is - if you know someone who invites kids over to see the "cool stuff" that they have, by all means - tag along. 

6. The Cool Adult Friend. All kids get frustrated by discipline and not being allowed to do all the "grown up stuff" - they don't like being treated like a kid. Well, this person, they get it - they're going to tell your kid they understands them, that you don't. They knows what a drag parents can be and they're going to sympathize and lend an ear. They might even buy them some beer or let them smoke some weed. They're creating a wedge between your naturally frustrated child and you - the one who really cares about them. Your kid may even let you know how cool this person is, too, that they get them and you don't. 

7. The Bait and Switch. It happens. You hire a nanny or send your child to a daycare provider, they seem legit, you may have even used a qualified agency to find them, they have experience & references. One day, they can't make it and send their spouse or boyfriend to fill in for them or you find out he's a volunteer employee. It catches you off guard, but you don't want to offend them by seeming suspicious, so you give them the benefit of the doubt. In situations like these, their is an element of enabling - usually by a female accomplice, and the often male abuser has manipulated their partner/spouse to give them the "cover" to access children, or may even involve the female to perpetrate abuse as well. If you ever have the opportunity to meet the boyfriend/husband of a female caretaker - listen to your intuition. 

8. The "Star" Child. If you have a child that is talented in sports or the arts and you are utilizing one on one coaching or tutoring to further your child along, be aware of how much time your child is being trusted alone with this person. You may think this person's goal is the same as yours - to perfect your child's art, but what you might not realize is they are capable of using their power, the relationship, and the opportunity of isolation to exploit your child. 

9. The No-Way Person. Unfortunately, some of the people you would never suspect exploit their perceived weakness or goodness to abuse children. They're the one volunteering, on the board for this and that, too old, too attractive, too frail to even attempt, the straight A student, in a seemingly happy romantic relationship, or even handicapped. Unthinkable? Yes. Impossible? No. Remember - no free passes for anyone. 

The statistics paint a very scary picture when it comes to the people that are sexually abusing our children. 90% are known and trusted by the victim and their family. As many as 40% are family -parents, siblings, cousins, aunts/uncles, grandparents,  and the remaining 50% are friends, teachers, coaches, community members etc. Our children are many more times likely to be sexually abused by someone we know than to be kidnapped by a stranger. It's time we started protecting our kids appropriately and effectively. 



11/15/2013 8:50pm

Question: What would you think if you saw a father kick his 9-year-old son lightly in the testes and twist his nipples when he's annoyed with him? Very subtly. He was trying to be subtle. It wasn't the level of violence that bugged me because it wasn't really done with violence. It was the creep factor. He has main custody - the boy's parents are divorced - and I think his (the father's) father is really creepy. If that's not bad enough, he runs his own video/digital photo business from home. I'm starting to see too many red flags, and that interaction was a big one for me. I'm wondering if there's anything I ought to do other than keep my son away from them, and that will be hard enough since the two of them are best friends.

The Mama Bear Effect
11/15/2013 11:16pm

If your gut is telling you something is wrong - then don't try to convince yourself otherwise. I would try to maintain as much open communication with your son as possible and get a read from him regarding this man. Would you feel comfortable telling this boy that you are a "safe" person to talk to if he ever finds himself in a situation where he needs a trusted person to talk to?

It may also be possible to communicate with child protective services in your area if your concerns are enough to open an investigation - it could be the opportunity this boy needs if he has abuse that needs to be disclosed - it could also be an eye-opener for the father with his behavior, knowing that people are watching and concerned about how he treats his son.

11/20/2013 11:29am

If that's what he does in public, imagine what he does in private! Please please report him. Your gut instincts are probably right and this poor kid needs saving.

11/20/2013 3:44pm

I would absolutely report that to CPS. If thats what he does in public, I don't even want to imagine what he does in private. Please stand up for that child.

11/20/2013 5:19pm


11/20/2013 5:56pm

Personally, I would follow yr gut instinct. If u suspect something let d expert investigate n confirm whether suspicions were right or wrong. If u don't do nothing and their is abuse, when will it stop? Who will be d next victim?

11/20/2013 1:10pm

It would be far better to report you suspicions and have them unfounded than do nothing and find out in the future your instincts were on the money.. It is a big step, taking a lot of courage, but how much courage do you think this young man might be struggling with if you are right? Gut instinct is correct around 90% of the time...

11/20/2013 1:50pm

Why do you only use the male pronoun?

11/20/2013 2:14pm

I thought the writer did a nice job of keeping the tone of the article "gender neutral" actually. Sure there is a specific gender mentioned here and there, but its hard to write something like this and not run into that problem.
its sad that we as parents are put in a position these days where we almost have to be suspicious of everyone who talks to our kids. :-(

11/20/2013 3:02pm

It is hard to write something that is perfectly pronoun-correct, but studies have shown that men are more likely to use certain grooming techniques than females. Female offenders more often than not fall under the "Helper" "Special Friend" or "Bait and Switch" categories, for which we tried to maintain a gender-neutral tone. Visible grooming - where its done in sight of others is not always used by all who sexually abuse children - so if a female teacher targets a student - the parents may not even be aware - they may communicate secretly via email or text. This post was primarily focusing on techniques of grooming that we, as adults, may bear witness to.

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